Celebrating Your Child’s Birthday After Divorce
You’ve split from your child’s other parent. So what do you do when it comes to celebrating your child’s birthday? Just because you two aren’t together doesn’t mean your child stops having birthdays or that you no longer dream of giving your child wonderful birthday memories.
Do you want to give him a party or buy her a nice gift which would be easier if you both paid for it? Maybe you’re super busy with work and could use some help having a party with 20 rambunctious young boys or a slumber party for your tween girl and her 15 giggling friends. Do you usually celebrate birthdays with extended family? How do you pull that off now?
Where do you even start? I’m just spit-balling here but what if you were to talk to your co-parent about it? You’re not on speaking terms, you say? Ok, that may require a different approach. For those that are communicating, let’s look at options and see if we can use this opportunity to build a bridge to your child’s other parent while creating a joyful experience for your child.
Talk With Your Co-Parent About Birthday Plans
This may not be something you really want to do. But look, you will be co-parents a long time and it is best that your child has two parents in their life. So since we’re here, let’s talk about this idea of, well, talking to them.
What are your communications typically like? Business-like? Combative? Non-existent? Do you communicate through other means like text, email, or a co-parenting App? We’ll address the live conversation here and in my next article, we’ll cover strategies for successful communication using other methods.
Initiating a “Live” Conversation with Your Co-parent
Now, I’m not a therapist. I am a coach. So, I’m not going to ask you to come up with the right steps. I’m going to give you the plays or steps just like a football coach or dance instructor would. It will be left up to you to adapt them to your circumstances. But stick as closely to the steps as possible to increase your odds of a successful exchange.
If you and your ex are already amicable, then you’ve probably already called them. If not, hang with me here. There’s a simple four-step process I’m resharing here that will help you initiate every future conversation you have with your co-parent.
Step 1: Get Yourself in the Right Mindset
To begin, before you pick up the phone, let’s get your frame of mind straight so that you can improve your chances of having an amicable conversation. Start by considering what is genuinely important to you when it comes to having this conversation. I suggest you contemplate the following:
What purpose does your co-parenting relationship serve?
Why is it important to preserve your co-parenting relationship?
What is at stake if the co-parenting relationship is lost?
What is your purpose for interacting at this moment? Solve a problem, share information, correct course?
What are the consequences of things going badly during this conversation?
Step 2: Set the Tone of the Conversation
After you’re clear on your answers to the above question, before you call, think of something to say that expresses appreciation for your co-parent or which acknowledges their efforts in some way. It need not be a monumental accomplishment. A simple “thank you for taking time to speak with me,” or possibly “I know how much you want to be included in our son’s special moments and I really appreciate that about you.” Now that you have some initial words planned, call and when they answer, set the tone with your words of acknowledgment or appreciation.
Why start this way? It lets the other person know you plan to be cordial and that you recognize something positive in them. This will help them to release any preconceived notion that an unpleasant conversation is coming and help them to adopt a more positive attitude toward you. This will make it more likely they will listen to what you have to say.
Step 3: State Your Desired Outcome
Now that you both have a better mindset, you’re ready to get down to business. State what you want their help with, being as specific as you can. Be sure to have a neutral tone and don’t try to convince them or advocate for your own wishes on the matter. Certainly, don’t accuse them or demand anything from them. Just state matter-of-factly what you wish. For example: “I want to plan a birthday party for Danielle and would like to get your input.” There is no need yet to go beyond this. The goal is not to “tell” them what is happening. It is to initiate a conversation about the birthday plan.
Step 4: Invite Your Co-parent Into the Process
Here is where magic can happen. Ask for their help. While you may want your ex to think you don’t need them anymore, this isn’t about helping you as much as it is about doing something for your child. So think of it as asking for their help on behalf of your child. A straightforward “What do you think?” or “What ideas do you have?” works perfectly here.
Now you have invited them to engage in a non-confrontational way with you. I can’t guarantee they won’t go there anyway. But you’ve taken preemptive steps to avoid an adversarial exchange, which greatly increases the likelihood of a collaborative conversation.
Where you go from this point depends on their answer to that last question. If you’ve had a lot of heated conversations in the past, be prepared for a long silent pause as they are stunned that you two may have a cordial conversation.
Birthday Celebration Options
As your conversation with the other parent progresses consider your options for the impending birthday celebration. These are:
Host a joint party at one or the other parent’s home
Host separate parties
Host a party by yourself and invite the ex-partner to contribute in some way
Leave the party to your co-parent and contribute something to the affair
Don’t have a party and celebrate privately with your child
Co-parents Host a Joint Birthday Party
If you agree to go the route of a joint party, there are still more options that can make this more tenable. You could host the party at a local kids’ party venue, sports facility, park, or somewhere else neutral. This can reduce the tension either parent feels being in the other parent’s personal space. Plenty of options are available. So consider how much you want to spend, the convenience of the location to both parents, who will be invited—will it be a kid party, family gathering, or some combination of the two—where will most of your guests be coming from, and what would your child enjoy. Then do your research on the internet and make some phone calls to get your plans underway.
Once you’ve determined the items above, decide on the other details like a party theme, what type of food and drink will be provided, decorations, a cake, party favors, and invitations. If your co-parent is organized and reliable, you can divide and conquer on these tasks so that both parents feel like an integral part of the plan. If not, ask your co-parent to take on a simple task like buying decorations and then check in with them in advance of the party date to make sure they’ve handled it. If not, with advance notice, you’ll have time to make other arrangements to cover whatever is needed. Of course, you may be tempted to just pass on asking them to do anything. But I would highly recommend attempting to delegate at least one task to them to give them a sense of inclusion and responsibility to the party.
Additionally, you’ll need to work out between you how the party and any parent gifts for the child will be funded. Will you split the cost and how will payments between you be handled? Does your co-parent have more or less disposable income than you? Whatever you decide, make sure all your decisions align to your values and are made in the best interest of your child.
Finally, if there is animosity among family members, determine how you can minimize drama among these parties. Do you need to thoughtfully discuss the dynamics of the day with certain relatives to stress the importance of keeping this day peaceful? Do you need to leave some people out of the plan altogether? Think these things through and discuss any sensitive topics such as in-laws with your ex-partner, striving to have them take responsibility for the behavior and invitation of individuals on their side of the family.
By following these guidelines and the 4-step conversation starter, you can plan a joint birthday party for your child with your co-parent.
Teresa Harlow, Speaker, Co-parenting Coach, and Author of Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code. Learn more at TeresaHarlow.com.