Co-Parenting and Pets: Navigating Family Dynamics with Furry (or Scaly) Friends
Whether you shared a family pet with your co-parent before splitting up or acquire one after, it’s crucial to recognize that children often consider pets as part of their family. Dismissing this bond risks making your child feel like their feelings and priorities don’t matter to you. Further, when a child receives a pet as a gift, they view the pet as theirs, no matter which parent’s house they’re at.
While you might not have major pet-related conflicts with your co-parent, it’s wise to proactively address potential challenges rather than disregarding them as trivial or irrelevant. Here are some key considerations and strategies to help you navigate co-parenting when pets are part of the picture.
Areas Where Pets Impact Co-Parenting
Pet-Friendly Policies: Decide whether the pet is welcome in both households. Will it move with your child or stay in one home?
Pet Sitting: Determine if the other parent is willing to help care for the pet during vacations or emergencies.
Rehoming Options: Discuss what will happen if one parent can no longer keep the pet.
Pet Choices: Consider what types and numbers of pets are appropriate for your child’s lifestyle and living situation.
Shared Costs: Decide if both parents will contribute to the pet’s care, especially in the case of illness or emergencies.
Flexibility: Agree on how to handle pet emergencies, such as making schedules flexible so children can support their pet when needed.
Combative Approaches to Avoid
You may feel you don’t need to deal with this. Afterall, if the pet lives with the other parent, you didn’t choose the animal. So why is it any concern of yours? If it’s your pet, what business is it of your ex-spouse’s? Of course, in most cases, there is no expectation between parents when it comes to the pets they choose to have in their home. However, your child may feel differently…particularly in times of need. Let’s explore some situations involving family pets that could set you and your co-parent up for conflicts.
Making Assumptions About Pet Matters
One thing that could set you up for trouble down the road is not talking with your child’s other parent about pets. Assuming your co-parent will automatically accommodate your child’s pet-related needs can lead to frustration. This is especially true if you assume your co-parent will pet-sit during your vacations or that they will allow your child to bring a pet to their home without prior discussion.
I can tell you I would never agree to temporarily house a snake or a tarantula for anyone, including my son, in our home—it’s just not something I could ever be comfortable with. Similarly, a co-parent who keeps an immaculately clean home may take exception to a slobbery dog barging in unannounced during the drop off by the other parent. Always communicate.
Using Pets as Pawns
Some parents use pets as leverage in co-parenting conflicts. I know of one mom who threatened that if the son spent too much time at his dad’s, the mom would take the dog to the animal shelter. The child lived in fear for months wondering if he would come home and be told the dog was gone or even put down.
Even milder tactics, like gifting an expensive or high-maintenance pet to score points, can cause stress if there’s no clear plan for care. Who cares for the pet when your child is with the other parent? Are you expecting them to do so even when not with you? To avoid such issues, engage in proactive discussions with your co-parent about any new pets, preferably before you commit to them.
Failing to Communicate
If you’re planning to get a pet for your child, inform your co-parent and discuss the implications. Even if the pet will live exclusively with you, it’s helpful for your co-parent to be in the loop. Make it clear that you’re responsible for the animal’s care, especially when your child isn’t present. If you are on good terms with your co-parent, asking for their involvement is fine. But don’t assume their participation.
Being Unsupportive
In tough pet situations, don’t adopt a “not my pet, not my problem” attitude. For instance, if a pet falls ill, will you support your child’s desire to comfort their furry friend, even if it requires schedule changes? If your co-parent can’t afford a pet’s medical expenses, will you step up if you’re able? Supporting your child in such scenarios strengthens your bond and shows you value their feelings.
A True Story: Amber the Doberman
When our son turned seven, his dad gave him a beautiful purebred female Doberman pinscher puppy. My son thought this was the best present he could ever get. And frankly, I would have to agree.
He named the puppy Amber for her pretty red-brown color. However, Amber became a big dog who needed a lot of attention and exercise. Ian’s dad worked all day five days a week while Amber remained at home alone. As months passed and Amber grew, her powerful jaws found new and innovative ways to destroy their belongings while everyone was away. They tried moving her kennel to the basement in an attempt to minimize the destruction. But Amber found inventive ways to escape the cage and find things to destroy in the basement. Really, Amber was just lonely and acting out as a result. My son’s father faced a tough decision. What was he going to do with a dog that was destroying his house and was ultimately unhappy being alone all day?
One day, he told me he was going to see if his mom and stepdad would take her into their home. While this wasn’t a horrible alternative, I felt my son may still view it as his dad getting rid of his beloved pet and giving away his birthday present. We both knew our son would be heartbroken.
About this time, I started working at home every day. I had lost my dog the year before and was without a pet to keep me company on my son’s weeks with his dad. I was also a female living alone and thought the idea of a Doberman living in my home was sure to deter any potential house thieves. Who needs a security system when there’s a dog that looks like it will tear your face off staring down would-be intruders? In reality, she was more likely to run and hide from them than attack them if they actually entered.
So, I suggested that I try taking her. I had always been good at training dogs to behave and felt confident that with me being there, most of her bad behavior would go away. At last, we had found a solution to avert a seven-year-old’s heartbreak. Amber would simply move to my son’s other home.
I brought Amber to my house, and she fit right in. She stopped the destructive behavior and provided me with much-needed companionship. She got to see my son almost every day since he came to my house every day before and after school. I had a nice backyard for her to run in, and a friend who was a professional dog trainer set us up with a remote electronic fence to keep her safely in the yard.
Amber stayed with us for twelve years becoming a cherished part of our home and family. This solution required collaboration and communication, but ultimately brought joy to everyone.
Collaborative Strategies for Co-Parenting and Pets
Communicate Plans: Before getting a pet for your child, discuss it with your co-parent. Listen to their concerns and address any potential issues.
Clarify Responsibilities: Clearly define who will care for the pet and what, if any, role the other parent will play.
Respect Boundaries: Allow your co-parent to opt out of pet-related responsibilities. It’s better to agree on limits than to force involvement.
Acknowledge Emotional Bonds: Recognize that pets are family to your child, regardless of which home they live in. Treat these bonds with care and consideration.
Be Proactive: If a pet situation arises unexpectedly, initiate a conversation with your co-parent to inform them of the issue and seek their input on solutions.
The Co-Parenting Code
Discuss Pets: Have an open dialogue with your co-parent about pets, setting clear expectations and boundaries.
Respect Bonds: Understand that your child’s love for their pet is deeply personal. Treat their pets as valued family members.
Extend Courtesy: Think about what you want others to consider before bringing a pet to your home and be sure to extend those same considerations to your co-parent.
By approaching pets collaboratively, you’ll nurture not just your child’s bond with their furry (or scaly) friends but also a healthier co-parenting relationship.
Teresa (Harlow) Luse is a Co-parenting Coach, Author, and Speaker. Want help resolving co-parenting conflicts? Check out the Co-parenting Clinic - Online Group Coaching for Co-parents.