Having Trouble Co-Parenting? Try Parallel Parenting!
You can watch an interview with Professor Daniel Puhlman on parallel parenting on our Youtube channel!
When two fit and loving parents are separated, shared parenting is almost always best for their children. But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Sometimes the very dynamics that led to the breakup continue after the split as parents try to share in raising their children apart. Sometimes the split up is the cause of dysfunction in the relationship between the parents. If you’re having difficulties in a shared parenting arrangement with your child(ren)’s other parent, it might be that you’re doing shared parenting wrong.
People often think that shared parenting by separated parents means the two parents come to an agreement on all matters concerning the children. In pretty much the way that parents living together with their children do. They might have disagreements about the rules of the house and other matters affecting the children, but they somehow hammer these out. There is a sort of idealized conception of shared parenting where, despite the parents deciding to end the relationship between themselves, they work closely together raising the children separately, ensuring that the same rules apply in both of the children’s homes. This is the Co-Parenting Model of shared parenting. There are families that do shared parenting in that way. And more power to them. My situation wasn’t like that; and maybe yours isn’t either. Most separated parents don’t get together every week over a cup of coffee and talk about the kids' past week and their plans for the coming week. Most separated parents engage in a form of shared parenting that experts call ‘Parallel Parenting’. What does that mean? While some decisions must be consistent between the children’s two households—decisions like what medical treatment, religious upbringing, education they will receive—other matters are different. Whether bedtime for young children is 8:00 or 8:30, whether homework has to be done before watching TV or can be done after, whether older children have to help with the dishes after dinner or not—all of these things, and many others, can be different in their two homes.
But what about consistency? In a very different context, Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.” We might say in this context, “Striving for too much consistency is the hobgoblin of shared parenting.” Consistency on the big issues is important. Striving for consistency on minor issues is a recipe for unnecessary conflict, especially if one or both of the parents is something of a control freak. It just gives separated parents who are looking to exercise complete control over the children or over the other parent a tool to accomplish that. Isn’t inconsistency bad for children? It depends on what the inconsistency is about. Children have no difficulty adjusting to different rules in different contexts. Even very young children learn that there are things they can do at Grandma and Grandpa’s house that they can’t do at home. There are different rules at school than at home. And, at school, different teachers have different rules. The rules in their friends’ homes might be different from those in their own home(s). It is not a detriment to a child to learn that different ways of behaving are allowed and appropriate in different settings. Indeed, being exposed to differences like these enhances a child’s repertoire of behavior and ability to understand and relate to different people. So, if you and your child(ren)’s other parent find yourselves in unnecessary conflict about parenting issues, perhaps you’re trying to do co-parenting when you should be parallel parenting.
For more on co-parenting and parallel parenting, here are some resources:
● “Co-Parenting or Parallel Parenting: How to Know What’s Right” by Ann Gold Buscho,
PhD at Psychology Today
● “What is Parallel Parenting?” by Dan Brennan, MD at WebMD
● “Creating a Parallel Parenting Plan: Pros, Cons, and Tips for Success,” by BetterHelp
Editorial Team at BetterHelp
● “A Guide to Parallel Parenting: 10 Tips to Support Your Child,” at The New Hope
● “Choosing the Right Path: Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting,” at The Center for Divorce
Education
The Importance of Parallel Parenting: A Conflict-Reducing Approach for Parents and Children
In today’s society, many divorced or separated parents are faced with the challenge of co-parenting their children. While traditional co-parenting emphasizes teamwork and collaboration between parents, parallel parenting has emerged as a highly effective alternative for parents who struggle with high conflict. This parenting strategy focuses on minimizing direct interaction between parents while still ensuring that children’s needs are met. Below we will explore how to parallel parent, why parallel parenting is necessary to reduce conflict, and how it benefits children in the long run.
What is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting is a structured approach that allows parents to remain involved in their children’s lives while minimizing direct interaction with each other. This method is often used when there is high conflict or poor communication between parents, particularly following the dissolution of a marriage. In parallel parenting, both parents follow a similar set of guidelines and agree on important decisions related to the child’s welfare, but they do so without engaging in frequent communication or shared everyday decision-making.
The goal of parallel parenting is not to eliminate parental involvement but to reduce stress and minimize conflicts by establishing clear boundaries. It enables both parents to maintain separate parenting styles, schedules, and routines without the need for constant coordination or direct confrontation.
Definition and Purpose
Parallel parenting is a co-parenting approach that allows divorced parents to maintain a relationship with their children while minimizing direct interaction with each other. The primary purpose of parallel parenting is to reduce conflict and stress between parents, promoting a more stable and healthy environment for the children. By establishing clear boundaries and guidelines, parallel parenting enables parents to focus on their individual relationships with their children, rather than engaging in potentially contentious interactions with each other.
Why Parallel Parenting is Necessary for Divorced Parents to Reduce Conflict
When parents are unable to communicate effectively or when their relationship is strained due to past conflicts, it can be incredibly difficult to make joint decisions for their children. Traditional co-parenting relies on frequent communication, which may not be possible if there is a history of animosity, abuse, or emotional turmoil between parents.
In no fault divorce processes, even though there is no need to prove wrongdoing, high conflict situations can still arise, necessitating the use of parallel parenting.
Parallel parenting offers a way to protect both the child and the parents from further conflict. By establishing clear guidelines for each parent’s role, parallel parenting minimizes the need for direct interaction and gives both parties the space to heal and move forward. It creates a structure that reduces the emotional burden of daily parenting tasks, allowing each parent to focus on their responsibilities without the stress of constant disagreements.
Key Benefits of Parallel Parenting for Child Custody
While parallel parenting is designed to reduce conflict for parents, it also offers numerous benefits for children. Here are some of the key ways that parallel parenting can be advantageous for kids:
Consistency and Stability: Although parallel parenting separates the parents’ involvement, it provides children with clear expectations from each parent. Each parent enforces their own routines and rules, which creates a sense of consistency and stability for the child. This reduces confusion and helps children feel more secure in their environment.
Emotional Safety: When separated or divorced parents are constantly fighting or arguing, children can sense the tension and may feel anxious or unsafe. Parallel parenting reduces this emotional burden by limiting direct conflict and fostering a more neutral environment. Children are better able to focus on their emotional well-being without the stress of witnessing constant parental arguments. Resulting in overall better family relationships for the kids involved.
Reduced Exposure to Conflict: One of the most significant benefits of parallel parenting is that it minimizes the exposure children have to parental conflict. By avoiding unnecessary communication, parents reduce the chances of engaging in arguments in front of their children. This helps children feel more secure and prevents them from being caught in the middle of adult disputes. Children from divorced families with only one parent often face academic challenges and psychosocial problems, but parallel parenting helps mitigate these issues by providing a more stable and less contentious environment.
Encouraging Positive Relationships with Both Parents: Parallel parenting allows both parents to maintain a meaningful relationship with their child, even when they cannot communicate effectively with each other. Children are less likely to feel caught between their parents, and they can form strong bonds with both individuals without feeling guilty or conflicted. Furthermore, it gives kids a chance to enjoy parenting time with each parent.
How Parallel Parenting Works
Parallel parenting involves a structured approach to co-parenting, where both parents agree to maintain separate relationships with their children. This can include separate parenting schedules, communication channels, and decision-making processes. The goal is to minimize direct interaction between parents, reducing the potential for conflict and stress. By doing so, parents can focus on providing a stable and loving environment for their children, even in the absence of a romantic relationship.
Key Principles of Parallel Parenting
Separate Parenting Schedules: Parents establish separate schedules for spending time with their children, minimizing direct interaction with each other. This helps to create a predictable routine for the child, reducing anxiety and providing a sense of stability.
Clear Communication Channels: Parents establish clear communication channels, such as email or a co-parenting app, to discuss important issues related to their children. This minimizes the need for face-to-face interactions and helps keep communication respectful and organized.
Decision-Making Processes: Parents establish separate decision-making processes, allowing each parent to make decisions related to their individual relationship with their children. This reduces the potential for conflict and ensures that each parent can focus on their responsibilities.
Respectful Boundaries: Parents establish and respect each other’s boundaries, minimizing direct interaction and reducing the potential for conflict. By maintaining respectful boundaries, parents can create a more peaceful and supportive environment for their children.
How to Parallel Parent Effectively
To make parallel parenting work effectively, both parents must be committed to the process. Here are some steps to help parents implement parallel parenting strategies:
Create Clear Boundaries and Expectations: Establish clear guidelines about what each parent’s responsibilities will be. This includes schedules, drop-off and pick-up times, communication methods, and rules. The more specific the agreements are, the easier it will be to follow them without confusion or miscommunication.
Develop Independent Routines: Each parent should establish their own routines, which may differ from each other, but should remain semi-consistent for the child. Whether it’s meal times, bedtimes, or activities, children should know what to expect at each parent’s house (even if it is different from the other parents), which reduces anxiety and helps the children adjust.
Minimize Direct Communication: Parents should strive to communicate with each other only when absolutely necessary. Email or a shared co-parenting app can help keep communication be respectful and organized, eliminating the need for constant phone calls, text messaging or face-to-face discussions.
Focus on the Child’s Best Interests: It’s essential that both parents keep the child’s best interests at the forefront of all decisions. By focusing on the child’s emotional needs and well-being, both parents can maintain a sense of mutual respect and responsibility, even without direct interaction. Research strongly states that default 50/50 shared child custody between two fit parents during and after the divorce process results in better outcomes for children emotionally and physically. Additionally, addressing spousal support considerations is crucial as it can impact the parallel parenting arrangement and ensure that legal obligations are met.
Set Boundaries for Emotional Involvement: Parallel parenting works best when both parents refrain from involving the child in adult matters or using them as messengers. Ensuring that the child is not burdened with parental conflict will help maintain their emotional health and preserve their relationship with both parents.
Is Parallel Parenting Right for Every Situation?
While parallel parenting can be incredibly effective in reducing conflict, it may not be suitable for every family. Parents who can work together amicably and communicate effectively may prefer traditional co-parenting arrangements. However, for high-conflict divorces, parallel parenting can be an essential tool in protecting both the parents and the children from further emotional strain.
For families where high conflict is present, seeking professional support, such as therapy or mediation, can help facilitate a smoother parallel parenting experience. A neutral third party can assist in creating the necessary structure and guidelines to ensure that both parents and children thrive in the new parenting dynamic. During the mandatory waiting period before a divorce can be finalized, which is typically around 60 days in jurisdictions like Arizona, parallel parenting can be implemented to manage interactions and reduce conflict.
When to Use Parallel Parenting
Parallel parenting is often recommended in situations where:
High Conflict: Parents experience high levels of conflict, making it challenging to co-parent effectively. Parallel parenting provides a structured approach that minimizes direct interaction and reduces the potential for conflict.
Emotional Distress: Parents experience emotional distress or anxiety when interacting with each other. By minimizing direct communication, parallel parenting helps reduce stress and allows parents to focus on their individual relationships with their children.
Child Well-being: Children are experiencing emotional distress or anxiety due to parental conflict. Parallel parenting creates a more stable and secure environment for children, reducing their exposure to conflict and promoting their well-being.
Separation or Divorce: Parents are separating or divorcing, and need a structured approach to co-parenting. Parallel parenting provides a clear framework that helps parents navigate the challenges of legal separation and divorce, ensuring that the children’s needs are prioritized.
Challenges of Parallel Parenting
While parallel parenting can be an effective approach to co-parenting, it also presents several challenges, including:
Communication Breakdowns: Parents may struggle to communicate effectively, leading to misunderstandings and conflict. Utilizing clear communication channels, such as email or co-parenting apps, can help mitigate this issue.
Different Parenting Styles: Parents may have different parenting styles, leading to conflicts and inconsistencies. It’s important for parents to respect each other’s approaches and focus on providing a stable environment for their children in their home, instead of criticizing the other parents parenting style.
Emotional Challenges: Parents may experience emotional challenges, such as grief, anger, or resentment, which can impact their ability to co-parent effectively. Seeking professional support, such as therapy or counseling, can help parents manage these emotions and improve their paralell parenting relationship.
Child Adjustment: Children may struggle to adjust to a co-parenting arrangement, leading to emotional distress or anxiety. Parallel parenting helps parents provide consistent routines on their time thus reassuring the child of both parents’ love and support which can help ease this transition.
By understanding the definition, purpose, and key principles of parallel parenting, parents can better navigate the challenges of co-parenting and provide a more stable and healthy environment for their children through parallel parenting.
Conclusion
Parallel parenting is a powerful approach that helps reduce conflict between parents, offering numerous benefits for children. By minimizing direct interaction and focusing on individual responsibilities, parents can provide a stable, emotionally safe environment for their children. When practiced effectively, parallel parenting ensures that children continue to have strong, meaningful relationships with both parents while avoiding unnecessary stress and exposure to conflict.
