How to Prevent Parental Alienation
By Teresa (Harlow) Luse
What is Parental Alienation
The National Association of Parental Alienation Specialists states that Parental Alienation Syndrome is “children rejecting a parent without justification.” This makes it sound like these kids just wake up one day and tell mom or dad they don’t want to see them anymore.
But is that how it happens? Not from my perspective.
In my experience, children rarely choose to cut a parent out of their life without external influence. Often, this influence comes from the other parent, who encourages the child to distance themselves. In fact, they may orchestrate efforts to limit or deny the child’s relationship with the targeted parent.
Why Does Parental Alienation Happen?
Some parents engage in alienation to punish their former partner for the hurt they inflicted on them. Others because they dislike their ex-partner and don’t want them in their life anymore and therefore don’t want them in their child’s life either.
This group is likely to be the most difficult to reform. They are so fixated on their own anger and disgust with a former partner that they don’t consider the impact their actions have on their children. They wallow in their loathing for the other parent and overwhelm those in their orbit with so much negative press about the other parent that it makes it very difficult to challenge their fanatical resolve.
I call these the Punitive Alienators.
Then there are parents who fear that their children will be mistreated by the other parent, because of how the other parent treated them. This group comes in many varieties.
Some in this group have legitimate concerns rooted in a history of domestic violence, whether directed at them or their children by their former partner. These parents are Domestic Violence Victims. They may have suffered physical injuries or endured severe emotional and mental abuse. They may have brought legal action against their abuser, but often not. While they may engage in behaviors associated with alienation, they are not parental alienators. They are protectors.
Then there are parents who use more subjective claims of physical, emotional, or mental abuse to justify alienating behaviors. They often interpret mutual arguments—physical or verbal—as evidence of domestic violence. Let’s call these parents the Opportunistic Alienators.
And finally, there are parents who fear their children are being raised by a person who they judge as neglectful or seriously deficient in their parenting skills. So they seek to control how the children are parented in all instances. These are the Controlling Alienators.
How Does the Legal System Treat Parental Alienation
While the frequency of domestic violence and parental alienation is similar,[1] the family legal system is far more focused on preventing domestic abuse than parental alienation. While family courts readily recognize the dangers of domestic violence, they don’t give nearly enough weight to the devastating consequences of a child being alienated from a parent.
So most laws pertaining to parental rights not only fail to prevent or address alienation, but may inadvertently enable it as a result of efforts intended to protect children from domestic violence.
Bottom line, the legal system isn’t where you’re going to get help with parental alienation.
How to Prevent or Stop Parental Alienation?
In my experience working with divorced and separated parents, parental alienation is among the most difficult types of conflict between parents to manage, much less resolve. Still, there are actions you can personally take to reduce the risk of falling prey to parental alienation, regardless of the type of alienator you are dealing with.
Here are some strategies to consider:
-Ensure your Parenting Agreement insulates you from alienating behaviors. If you are at the beginning of your separation or divorce, be sure you are actively engaged in crafting your parenting agreement. Don’t leave this effort to your attorney. Advocate for your rights. It is much easier to do it at the onset than to get it modified later. Areas to focus on include the following:
Agree to no less than 50% parenting time; include terms that allow for uninterrupted vacation time with your child every year.
Establish a maximum distance that you and your ex-partner agree to live from each other until the children graduate from high school.
Insist on joint custody on all parenting decisions such as health, education, and activities
Spell out the right to have access to and communicate with your child when they are not with you. Specify rights to communicate via phone, text, or app and on what devices.
Parent-Parent Communication: Specify the scenarios in which parent to parent communication is required and what mediums will be used for communicating. Consider a parenting app to share parenting schedules, financial matters, and communicate on scheduling changes.
-Apologize for the past
If you know you wronged your ex in the past when you were together or since you’ve separated, sometimes all you need to do is apologize and they will ease up. But do it proactively and soon. Don’t wait until your ex asks for or demands it in return for their cooperation. They are likely to think you only did it to get them to back down or give you what you want, making the apology ineffective.
Even if you think you were right for whatever you did, you can still apologize for the anguish the other person feels toward you. “I’m sorry you are so hurt by our past.” Or “I’m sorry this has been so hard for you.”
-Voluntarily Complete Parent Training Classes
While your ex may not give you credit for doing this, a guardian ad litem, parenting coordinator, or judge will likely view you more positively for taking this step.
Many counties offer free or low-cost parenting classes you can enroll in and receive a certificate after completing them. There are also online resources that are free or available at a multitude of price points. Check with your church and local non-profits to find out what is available.
-Make the most of every minute you have with your children
When they are with you, play with them, read to them, take them places. Don’t schedule them for continuous play dates or organized activities led by other adults the entire time you have them. Don’t shuffle them off to a new partner or babysitter, or set them in front of the TV or video games while you go about your work or other activities. Make their time with you rich and fulfilling. This doesn’t mean you can’t give them time to play on their own or that you need to lavish them with gifts. Just giving them your attention will usually do the trick.
Use technology to connect daily with your child when they are with the other parent. Assuming there isn’t a restraining order that prohibits it, go to their sports practices and open rehearsals when possible. Attend their games and performances. Offer to transport them to their activities as often as you can.
-Don’t fuel the fire
NEVER engage in corporal punishment or a physical encounter with your child. You can say all day long that you were spanked as a child, and you came out okay. If your ex is given cause to claim physical abuse, there isn’t a domestic relations judge in the U.S. that is likely to side with you. Don’t spank, hit, shake, or slap a child. Don’t grab them aggressively, with one exception—to pull them back from imminent danger. Check your beliefs on this topic at the door. The moment you part with your child’s other parent, engaging your child physically simply presents too great a risk to your parenting rights. If you struggle with discipling your child, refer to #3.
Do not speak negatively of the child’s other parent to the child, your ex’s relatives or friends, or at any point when or where your children can hear you talking to others. If it gets back to your ex, it can provoke them to take punitive measures against you. It could also invoke a child’s inclination to defend their other parent, damaging their bond with you.
Do not withhold information about your child from the other parent. Doing so plants the seeds of suspicion with them. Provide them with copies of all school communication and health records.
In summary, the best way to prevent parental alienation is by being intentional about your parenting efforts. Set clear expectations with your co-parent. Put the effort in to forge and maintain a bond with your child after separating from their other parent. And be sure to demonstrate the behavior you wish to receive from your co-parent, even if they do not.
[1] Around 10% to 12% of couples experience physical domestic violence annually in the U.S., according to studies by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) and CDC. A 2010 study by Harman et al. estimated that 13% of divorced or separated parents experience behaviors associated with parental alienation.
As a bestselling author and Co-parenting Coach, Teresa (Harlow) Luse is a Family Peace Broker serving separated and divorced parents as well as others in conflict. Learn more at Coparent-Coach.com.