For the Kids’ Sake: 5 Tips to Divorce Better
By Melissa Lenon, M.A.
Many parents want to uncouple and do it better - especially for the kids’ sake. I will talk about two of the biggest factors that negatively affect children’s wellbeing during and after divorce, and how to overcome these obstacles.
Divorce research and literature have a lineage dating back to the 1970s when the first state in the nation, California, implemented no-fault divorce. It was as if the flood gates had opened for ‘easy’ divorce, and the court system was boggled and bottlenecked with divorce cases. This change in the law, The Family Law Act, and its effect of driving previously stranded unhappy couples to un-coupling inspired substantial inquiries, studies and writings on the effects of divorce on children in California. Other states quickly went down the no fault divorce path and generated further interest in how children were affected by divorce. This vein of inquiry has continued and grown with numerous studies over numerous decades across numerous countries, using different tools and measurements to better understand children’s experience of and adjustment to divorce.
What we see over and over again is that the two biggest factors negatively affecting children’s well-being are parental conflict and a waning of parental attunement to the children during the divorce process. Of course, part and parcel of a divorce is that parents are in conflict and preoccupied with the stressors around the family reorganization. This begs the question: how do parents overcome these obstacles inherent in the circumstances?
These five tips will help parents do just that - overcome the obstacles tied into untying the knot. Not only do these tips bode well for the children’s well-being, parents are likely to also fare better by reducing the stress during all phases of the divorce process and the post divorce lifespan.
Communicate verbally and nonverbally to your children that neither the problems of the marriage nor the divorce are their fault.
It’s important that both parents communicate that there is nothing the children have done to cause the divorce. The language used for a toddler would be more simple than with a school-aged child, but the message would be the same. This would be a very important time to make sure that reassurances are made with more than words. For example, be sure to not argue in front of the kids about things that have to do with the kids (their homework, messes, extracurriculars). The more conflict in front of the kids about the kids, the more likely your verbal message will be undermined and children left with the sense that they have indeed caused the divorce.
Reduce conflict using effective communication skills.
Especially if your coparent tends to use conflict language, it is critical to add to tools to your effective communication toolbox. These tools include active listening and effective speaking skills. With both, remove blame and criticism. For active listening, focus on understanding then reflect back to the coparent their thoughts or feelings. Check that you understood correctly. For effective speaking, make sure your nervous system is in a calm state and speak from your perspective, again, without blame or shame. Consider adding what you want for the kids and the other parent from this situation. Your goal is to develop new patterns that facilitate reaching a fairly fair agreement without avoiding talking about important parenting topics.
Add supports to your life during the divorce process.
Many parents benefit from short term therapy to reduce stress during the divorce process. This is an opportunity to process the emotional parts of the divorce as well as explore new coping options. Reducing parental stress tends to expand parents’ bandwidth for their children’s needs and stresses. A Divorce Coach is another support that can be added during the divorce process. The purpose of a divorce coach is to develop better communication skills, manage stress and articulate your interests. Lastly, many quality online trainings exist to support parents through divorce on a number of topics including coparenting, managing emotions and enhancing communication.
Educate yourself on your divorce process options.
Divorce is a legal, financial and emotional journey with a variety of pathways available: Do-It-Yourself, mediation, co-mediation, collaborative divorce and traditional litigation. Consider alternative dispute resolution options as well as the traditional option of litigation. Parents who become an educated consumer of the divorce process options are more likely to find ways to keep conflict low, thus shielding the children from much of the parents’ disagreements or acrimony. Many divorce professionals in the legal, financial and mental health fields offer free consultations to help educate parents on divorce options. There are also free and low cast divorce options workshops available online and in person.
Develop a parenting plan in the divorce process that is family forward and child centered.
Custody arrangements are part of every dissolution with children. Developing this arrangement with a focus on improving or maintaining a positive co-parent relationship as well as valuing the relationship between each parent and child supports a healthy family dynamic going forward. The parenting plan serves children when it is age and stage appropriate and consistent while offering some flexibility. Though children often want to have a say in the plans that affect them, don’t burden them with being decision makers. Child Specialists, trained and licensed mental health professionals, are divorce professionals whose role in divorce is to bring the children into focus and support the parents in crafting a plan that is specific to their children’s needs and strengths.
There are several tasks of a good enough divorce, for the kids’ sake. First, it is critical for children to have a clear sense they are not to blame for the conflict or divorce. Another is for the children’s lives to be re-organized with a low amount of conflict and healthy relationships between all family members either maintained or developed. Parents support their children’s well-being with attunement so its important for moms and dads to take care of their physical and mental health during the divorce in order to have more bandwidth for attunement to the children. Knowing the divorce pathway options can help set the stage for a low conflict divorce process, which is another way to shield the children from discord and acrimony between parents. Lastly, a parenting plan that is age and stage appropriate, while demonstrating the value of both parents, supports healthy development. Untying the knot is not easy, but adding any of these supports does ease the untangling.
Melissa Lenon, M.A is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Vice President of the Collaborate Practice of Silicon Valley and Chair of Public Education for Collaborative Divorce California.
Divorce With Respect Week is March 3-9, 2025. It is designed to promote collaborative divorce, which is a process for resolving family law disputes such as in divorce and domestic partnership where two parties work with a team of professionals to craft their own agreements. You can learn more here.