Navigating Graduation as a Co-parent
By Teresa Harlow Luse
Graduation season is here! As a parent, you may be experiencing a mix of emotions as you approach your child’s high school graduation. On one hand, you may be excited to shuffle them off to college and regain some time for yourself, especially if you’re about to become an empty nester. It’s okay to feel this way. You’ve worked hard to raise them to this point.
On the other hand, you may be dreading the end of this chapter. No more school events to attend. No more socializing with other parents at these events. Plus, your influence over your child’s choices will lessen. Yet, you’ll worry just as much and maybe more now that so many decisions they make will be adult in nature. Later in this article, we’ll cover how to prepare for your child’s transition.
First, let’s touch on how your co-parent relationship will change.
Co-parenting Interaction After High School Graduation
You may be looking forward to less interaction with a combative co-parent. Although, I hope you continue working to transform that combative relationship into a collaborative one, because co-parenting is forever!
While you’ll have fewer things that require you to interact, it is still beneficial to maintain a positive relationship with them throughout your child’s life. Afterall, college graduation, weddings, and grandchildren may await you both.
Do you want to continue routine conversations about your child’s academics, health, and wellbeing following high school graduation? If so, make a plan and commit to continue collaborating. As children transition to adulthood, many decisions in their future could lead them down a path that demands parental attention.
If co-parenting remains a constant struggle for you, the good news is that the amount of interaction between you and your co-parent will decline after your child’s high school graduation, especially once they turn eighteen.
The End of Child Support
For many, child support obligations end when a child reaches 18. For others, it extends through the end of college. If your child has reached majority age and your obligation ends there, you’ll have more money at your disposal.
But before you run off to buy a new car, shop for new furniture, or take up an expensive new hobby, remember that a college student, or young adult entering the workforce directly after high school doesn’t have much earning power and will have many expenses. They may need your help with room and board, books, transportation, clothing, car repairs, and other things for a few years until they get established in the adult world. Talk to your child and determine what assistance they will need and create a plan together for what it will look like to ensure your young adult remains safe, healthy, and functioning in society.
Review your child’s financial picture with your co-parent and discuss expectations. Will one or both of you be paying toward college? How will that work? Will either of you support them financially in other ways?
If you’ve been receiving child support and it is scheduled to end, review your personal finances and make a plan to cover any gaps.
Dealing with Parental Emotions as a Child Graduates
As you approach your child’s graduation, it’s wise to envision your life afterward. Prepare yourself so that when you get there, you aren’t surprised or overwhelmed.
Will your child remain at home or be heading off to college? Will they remain close to home or be far away? Think about how you will stay connected to your young adult through and beyond this transition. While they may think they no longer need you, they will. It could be emotionally or financially. But you will still be an important part of their life.
Make a plan with your child that establishes communication expectations. Will they come home on weekends or holidays? Will you have regular phone calls or texts with them? To this day, my 30+ year old son and I have a bi-weekly Zoom call to stay connected. Even if we have nothing in particular to talk about, it’s just great seeing his face. I personally can’t live without that happening on a regular basis.
Remember back to when you graduated high school and the ways in which you leaned on your parents or wished you had. What did you struggle with? What things did you realize you didn’t know how to do until you were on your own? Make a list of things to ask your child about to ensure they are ready for their newfound independence. Are they organized? Do they know how to make a meal, do laundry, or pay bills? Take these last few months while they’re home to teach them things you know will reduce their fear and frustration as they head out into the world.
Adjust your thinking. Once your child heads off to college, moves out, or sets out on a travel adventure, you’ll see them less. Making or having dinner together, kicking back for a TV show, playing a game, or watching an event will require more coordination and advanced planning as well as commitment from both of you to make it happen. Try to use these last few months while they are living with you to drink in as much as you can. On the more extravagant side of things, I took my son on a vacation to Mexico. But I also made it a point to do simpler things together such as see a movie, take a bike ride, and have dinner together as much as possible.
One of the simple things I still miss is watching my son create music from scratch before my eyes. What a treat! If your young adult has a talent that you enjoy, partake in it as much as you can while they are still at home. I took time to do it every chance I could that last summer before he went to college.
As for taking care of yourself, consider how you will use the extra time you will have on your hands. Will you dive more into your work? Take up a new hobby? Relax more? Thinking about positives you can add to your life can offset the doldrums you may experience as your child leaves the nest.
And now that you’ve prepared them and you for their departure, let’s talk about their graduation party?
Your Child’s Graduation Party
While it’s an exciting milestone for your child, it can be a tricky event to plan when co-parenting. Should you host a joint celebration or separate parties? Will your child enjoy both events or feel overwhelmed? And what if guests gravitate toward one party over the other?
When it comes to co-parenting and graduation party planning, there are three common approaches:
Option #1: Each Parent Hosts a Separate Party
Option #2: Co-Parents Plan a Joint Celebration
Option #3: One Parent Takes the Lead
Let’s break down the pros and cons of each.
Option #1: Each Parent Hosts a Separate Party
If both parents prefer to plan their own events, here’s what to consider:
Pros:
Avoids potential conflicts between parents and extended family members who may not get along
Each parent has full control over guest lists, venue, food, decorations, and cost
Allows flexibility in scheduling
Cons:
Double the expenses; no splitting costs with your co-parent
The graduate may have to split their time or choose which friends to invite to each party
Finding two open dates can be tough when competing with other graduation parties
Option #2: Co-Parents Plan a Joint Celebration
If you and your co-parent can collaborate, a shared party may be a great option.
Pros:
Reduces costs by splitting expenses for food, venue, and decorations
Guests don’t have to choose between two parties
Provides a more traditional experience for your child, like their peers with married parents
Can strengthen ties between extended family members who may still enjoy each other’s company
Cons:
Requires cooperation on key decisions such as venue, date, food, and guest lists, which could lead to disagreements
Some family members may feel uncomfortable attending if there are lingering tensions
Option #3: One Parent Takes the Lead
In some cases, one parent may prefer (or end up) planning the entire event.
Pros:
Lower cost since only one party is being hosted
Simplifies decision-making, as one parent handles all the planning.
Only one party date to contend with
Cons:
The non-hosting parent may feel excluded from key decisions
Potential disagreements over financial contributions
Some friends or relatives of the non-hosting parent may not be invited
What’s the Best Choice?
There’s no universal right answer—it depends on your co-parenting dynamic and what works best for your family. In our case, a joint party worked well, allowing both parents to celebrate with family and friends while keeping the focus on our graduate.
Teresa (Harlow) Luse is a Co-parenting Coach, Speaker, and Author of the book Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code. Learn more about collaborative co-parenting on her blog at TeresaHarlow.com/blog.