Finding Support During Divorce
By Deb Lauren, Mindset Coach
It’s safe to say that divorce can be a messy, stressful and emotionally draining process.
The act of ending a marriage brings with it a myriad of pain, loss, uncertainty and fear. Add to that a complicated, and often short sighted, legal system and you have yourself one daunting situation. What we don’t always realize, especially when in the thick of transition, is that our emotional and physical wellbeing provide the building blocks to the bridge over those choppy waters. And knowing where you can find support to build that bridge can make the difference in how you experience, recover, and move forward post divorce.
To understand why support is so crucial in times of change and uncertainty, it’s helpful to see how your brain processes information. When you are overwhelmed, worried about your future, nervous about how the kids will adjust or chronically overtired and spread thin, your body’s stress response activates to help you cope. There is a sequential process that takes place that it’s all too easy to get stuck in, and overwhelmed by, if you don’t know how to move through the muck.
Big picture thinking, compassion, problem solving, creativity….all these “best self” attributes are hard to summon when stressed, scared or angry. We refer to these as executive functions, accessible when calm, grounded and in control of your surroundings. It takes awareness, practice and intentional sequencing of regulation, validation and reasoning to get there. A coach or therapist can help you, but how do you know who’s right for you?
For the purpose of this article, we’ll focus on 3 types of support:
These professionals have experience with child development and divorce law, and can walk you through the logistical aspects of the divorce process. A divorce coach can even attend meetings with your lawyer, help you write your parenting plan and coach you through the emotional ups and downs with a challenging ex.
Licenced Mental Health Professional (therapist, psychologist)
Practicing psychologists have the professional training and clinical skills to help people learn to cope more effectively with adversity and mental health challenges. Some common types of therapy are cognitive-behavioral, interpersonal, humanistic, psychodynamic, or a combination of a few therapy styles. The right therapists can be instrumental in helping you process emotions and move through discomfort.
These professionals specialize in helping you manage your mind, your reactions, interpretations, expectations and emotions during/after a divorce. They can help build awareness for more effective communication, goal setting, re-building your identity and creating self-care practices that support your ability to show up for yourself and others.
Building your bench and surrounding yourself with people who can help you navigate the choppy waters of divorce will ensure that you can walk through and beyond your divorce with your family’s best interests met and seeds planted for this next chapter. After all, we are relational beings and our healing is often found in connection: shared experiences with friends, loved ones, mentors. The tendency to silo oneself when in the face of stigma or overwhelm is real and understandable, and yet….the very bridge you seek is made from the bonds of connection that breed trust, safety and confidence needed to keep going.
You can start by utilizing the links on NPO’s parent resources page or look up professionals in your area. Most coaches offer complementary consults or free resources as first steps on your new path. Take the time to see where you need support. Ask yourself what areas of the divorce seem the most challenging. Give yourself permission to pay attention to the emotions or stress that has you stuck or trending toward burnout. Support is available and you (and your family) deserve it.