Five Choices We Made as Co-parents to Become Happily Divorced

By Teresa Harlow

Back in 2019, I released my first book on co-parenting, Happily Divorced: A Journey Through Divorce & Co-Parenting by the Golden Rule. In contrast with Combative to Collaborative: the Co-parenting Code which would be classified more as a “how-to”, Happily Divorced is a memoir in which I shared with the world the choices my son’s father and I personally made throughout our co-parenting journey. I felt and still believe that sharing our story helps other divorced and separated parents to see that being happy parents and raising happy children after divorce is not only possible, but should be expected.

In this article, I revive some of the information I first shared when I began blogging about co-parenting back in 2017. It’s striking how relevant and timeless all these tips still are. I guess the pandemic didn’t change everything after all! What do you think? Would love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at TeresaHarlow@TeresaHarlow.com

The Children Are the Co-parents’ Common Ground

Divorce can take a toll on the mental and emotional health of parents and their children. And of course, this can affect physical health as well. Stress increases blood pressure and drains one’s energy. Negativity unleashes toxins in the body which can lead to a variety of chronic health problems. But it doesn’t have to be this way!

My son’s father and I divorced when our son was six years old. From the moment that we decided to divorce, we both wanted to shield our child from its negative effects. We didn’t want him to worry about where he would live or with whom. We didn’t want him to fear his future or his safety. We didn’t want him to have to choose between us or feel like we were using him as a pawn between us. And above all, we wanted him to know that this was not his fault and that we would both always be there for him. As you can see from all of these “we” statements, we had common ground upon which to build post-marital bliss.

Some of you might have chuckled or sighed as you read those last few words… “post-marital bliss.”  But the truth is happiness should be the expectation following a divorce! Otherwise, why bother divorcing at all? If you’re not interested in working toward a happier existence, then just save everyone the trouble and remain unhappily married. If however, you desire post-marital bliss and greater happiness, I have five tips that will help you get there while also promoting your family’s mental and emotional health.

1. Apply the Golden-Rule with Your Co-parent

First, adopt a golden-rule-approach to all your interactions with the ex. In other words, treat your child’s other parent as you wish to be treated. Speak to them in ways you would find acceptable for them to speak to you. As tempting as it might be to insult, argue with, or punish your ex in retaliation for perceived misdeeds you endured while you were married, this will get you nothing but more negativity. So why do it?

Instead consider how you would feel in response to any words or actions you are about to speak or take in connection with your co-parent. If you wouldn’t want someone to say it to you, don’t say it to them. I know it can be tempting and cathartic in the moment. But honestly, the potential damage to your co-parenting relationship is too high of a cost to pay for momentary gratification. And trust me, you will be tied to your co-parent for the rest of your life if your children are to remain connected to both of you.

The good news is that your good will played out through your efforts to apply the Golden Rule will very likely produce a karmic effect on your co-parent. Afterall, it’s hard to continue being a jerk if someone is only being nice to you. They may try but after a while, they may begin to feel kind of dumb. And next thing you know, they start to reciprocate by speaking to you more kindly and treating you better.

In the end, when you sat words to your co-parent that you would be okay with hearing and take only those actions toward them that you believe would be right if taken with you, then your interaction with one another over the years will be less strained and more open. This will make life easier as the two of you communicate about your child on school matters, their behavior, and their desires over the years.

2. Share All Information About Your Child with Your Co-parent

Second, share all information about the child or children with the other parent. This includes their medical information, their grades and other school information, their schedules, their interests, information about the friends they keep, and any concerns you have about their behavior. If you want the other parent to be an effective partner with you on your parenting journey, this is the only way to get there.

Now you might be thinking that your co-parent never asks for the information. So they must not be interested in it. In this case, the fact is they don’t know what they don’t know but you do. So share the information. Did you get that? Let me put it a little more simply. Just do the right thing. Do you think they will be a better parent if they have a certain piece of information? Then make sure they have it whether they ask for it or not AND whether they even pay attention to it or not. You put it in their hands. From there, they own what they do or don’t do with it.

3. Keep Your Commitments to Your Co-parent

Third, establish predictability and keep your commitments. Agree on a parenting schedule so that everyone knows what to expect when it comes to spending time together. Then stick to it. Design your life around it. Not the other way around.

Of course, this doesn’t mean being so rigid that you can’t be flexible if it is in everyone’s interest. But don’t be so fluid with the schedule that the child is unclear which house they will be at or how long it might be before they see their other parent again. Such uncertainty can be frightening to anyone, but particularly to small children. Further, this predictability will also make it easier for each of you to plan your schedules.

4. Live Close to Your Co-parent

Fourth, live close to one another. Sure this means you may have to compromise on where you’d like to live; but it will pay huge dividends when it comes to not spending time on the road commuting between homes. It could also set you up for other conveniences like getting to see your child more often if your house serves as a before or after school drop-off for the other parent. Plus, your child will feel that continuity that comes from parents who have a shared sense of community. And trust me, if your child plays sports, a musical instrument, or has friends in both locations, you’ll be running back and forth between homes a lot in those years preceding their driving privileges. Living close will ease this burden.

5. Choose to be Happily Divorced with Your Co-parent

Finally, choose to be Happily Divorced with your Co-parent. Now why did I say, “with your co-parent” and not “from your co-parent”? Well, because while your intimate relationship may have ended, co-parenting is truly forever so it is “with” them whether it’s good or bad. Why do I say choose to be happily divorced? Because I see so many divorced and separated parents choose to live in misery. Now you may be feeling like the misery has been thrust upon you by your ex or by the courts. But that is false. Yes, they may have taken actions toward you; but you control your response to EVERYTHING. So choose to be happily divorced and choose to be a good co-parent.

Otherwise, you’ve not only wasted your time by divorcing but have also done so at a great cost to your family. Realize that happiness after divorce is not only an option but should be the expectation for you and your co-parent. You have a family together. That is magical and does not change because you parted ways romantically. Your family is counting on you both for its very survival. Let this common bond serve as a foundation upon which a platonic friendship is built. Live by the Golden Rule and I promise you it will come back to you ten-fold in terms of good mental, emotional, and even physical health.

Contributed by Teresa Harlow

Teresa Harlow is a professional speaker, co-parenting coach, family mediator, and the author of the bestselling book Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code available on Amazon and directly from TeresaHarlow.com.