How to Respond to Negativity From Your Co-parent
What do you do when all your co-parent does is spew negativity at you? How are you supposed to have a productive conversation with them? How will you two ever collaborate on anything?
You may feel overwhelmed and helpless when it seems like every word coming at you is specifically chosen to maximize pain. If you’re like most people, your first reaction to negativity is to give it right back. After all, they’ve earned it, haven’t they? But if you do that, where is it going to get you? Are you going to finally convince your co-parent that they are wrong, and you are right? Unlikely!
A lot of energy is wasted between co-parents volleying insults back and forth. But there is a better way. I’m going to give you strategies to use when your co-parenting communication turns nasty. The goal of these steps is to get things back on track when they head south. Using these techniques, you’ll learn to diffuse, redirect, and stop provoking co-parenting conflict so you can get back to the original reason for the communication. Either you have a problem to solve, a decision to reach, or information to share. All the rest of it is just interference.
Diffuse Conflict with your Co-parent
Diffusing conflict is like diffusing a bomb. With a bomb, any false moves and the bomb explodes. People get hurt and then someone must pick up the pieces. But if a skilled bomb-diffuser manages to disarm the bomb, it no longer poses a threat, and everyone can go on with their day.
Same holds true when diffusing a conflict. You can either navigate through the minefield ignoring the threat and then pay the consequences when things blow up between you. Or you can take steps to avoid the tripwires that continue conflict.
Here’s a play-by-play of a typical hostile conversation between co-parents.
PARENT 1 criticizes PARENT 2
PARENT 2 responds with a return insult or by defending themselves.
Both parents continue to throw verbal blows back and forth until eventually one ends the conversation. In most cases, this will be without ever addressing the original reason the two were communicating.
When a co-parent comes at you negatively, here are some ways to respond that will diffuse your co-parent’s verbal bomb:
Help them exhaust their hostility using active listening words and phrases to get it all out without provoking them. (e.g., “Hmm,” “Really?,” “Ok,” “I see.”)
Acknowledge what they are saying. This doesn’t mean agreeing with them. It’s just confirmation that you heard them so they can move on to the next thing.
e.g., “I hear what you’re saying.”
e.g., “I understand that is how you see it.”
Empathize with them. This says you are willing to meet them where they are.
e.g., “I’m sorry that is what you think of me. If I felt that way, I’d be upset too.”
e.g., “I’m sorry you disagree with me on this. It does make it harder for us to move forward.”
Thank them for their viewpoint or for sharing information with you. They may be so shocked that they simply drop their hostilities.
e.g., PARENT 1 tells PARENT 2 that their son hates PARENT 2’s house. Rather than jumping to a defensive posture or calling B.S., they respond, “Thank you for sharing that with me,” “That’s good to know,” or “Appreciate the information.”
Here’s an improved version of the earlier exchange between co-parents using techniques to diffuse conflict.
PARENT 1 criticizes PARENT 2
PARENT 2 responds by saying something like, “I understand you disagree with my parenting style and I’m sorry you feel that way.”
PARENT 1 may continue the insults but PARENT 2 hasn’t fueled the conflict making it more likely to fizzle out.
Will this work every time? No. But it will work sometimes. The more you practice these techniques, the more comfortable you’ll be using them.
If diffusing the conflict doesn’t work, try to redirect it.
Redirect Conflict with your Co-parent
When the other parent diverts the conversation to insults, accusations, or demands, they’re no longer focused on the reason you two are talking to begin with. At this point, nothing good usually comes from the rest of the exchange. So you’ll want to bring the conversation back to the core reason you two are communicating. But first you need to discern whether their hostility is with the issue you are discussing or are unrelated jabs they are wielding at you.
For example, if a parent asks to swap parenting days with their co-parent and the other parent responds by launching into a tirade about how bad of a parent they are, this has nothing to do with the topic at hand. In this case, the first parent would do best to acknowledge that they heard the comment and then go right back to the core issue. A well-placed question can work well to get the conversation back on track.
ARENT 1 asks PARENT 2 to swap days
PARENT 2 responds by accusing PARENT 1 of being a bad parent or maybe that the only reason they are asking to swap is because they want to hang out with their new girlfriend.
PARENT 1 responds by acknowledging that they heard PARENT 2 by saying something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Do you have questions about my swap request?”
PARENT 1 is more inclined to answer the question than continue the conflict. They may not be the first time. But if you steadfastly stick to this script, you are not giving them anything to work with other than what you want them to focus on. So they’ll either come back to the core issue or if they are hellbent on being uncooperative, they’ll just end the conversation, which they would have done no matter what you said.
Now let’s say, we have the same situation but in this case PARENT 2 responds by complaining that PARENT 1 never prioritizes the kids over other activities or that PARENT 1 is always asking for swaps at the last minute. In this case, PARENT 1 needs to learn why PARENT 2 feels this way. They can do this by saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re upset by my request. Can you talk more about that?”
Finally, let’s talk about how you can…
Stop Provoking Co-parenting Conflict
I can hear your resentment at my suggestion that you are to blame. Maybe the other person is the problem. Still, sometimes we unwittingly provoke a response that we didn’t anticipate. You can make choices that will reduce the chances of stepping on your co-parents tripwire and setting off fireworks.
For one, what if you develop the “muscle” required to resist being drawn in to conflict? Take a deep breath. Excuse yourself. Ignore negative comments. Change the subject.
You can also avoid words and actions that provoke hostility from your co-parent. Does this mean accommodating them? Kind of, but you’re doing it is for your benefit and to improve co-parenting collaboration for your child’s benefit. Accommodating your co-parent is just a byproduct.
If we anchor everything to the Golden Rule—treat others the way you want to be treated—this includes not saying or doing things you wouldn’t want your co-parent to say or do to you. You wouldn’t want your co-parent insulting your parenting choices. Don’t insult them. If you disagree with their choices, insulting them isn’t going to fix that!
EXAMPLE: PARENT 1 knows that PARENT 2 hates it when asked for last-minute swaps. So PARENT 1 makes it a point to ask for schedule changes at least two weeks in advance. When this isn’t possible, they apologize for the short notice.
PARENT 1: “I know you hate last minute swaps and I try to avoid them. However, this just came up. Are you able to consider it?”
PARENT 2: No I’m not. I told you before it is too difficult to change my schedule at the last minute. I need two weeks’ notice.
PARENT 1: I understand your frustration. This just couldn’t be avoided. Is there anything I can do to help make this happen?
Don’t miss the subtleties in the above example. Parent 1 didn’t assume Parent 2 was able to consider their request. They asked, “Are you able to consider this?” which conveyed respect for the other parent. (i.e., They have important things going on in their life too.)
Does this really work?
These techniques work better the more you use them. You get better at naturally responding this way. And the more you do it, the more likely your co-parent will notice.
Even if these strategies fail, it always leaves you feeling better about yourself and the effort you put into positive co-parenting. And that makes it worth the extra effort.
Teresa Harlow is a Co-parenting Coach and the author of Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code. Learn more at TeresaHarlow.com/co-parenting-books.