Parenting Schedules for Divorced Parents
Parenting is a territorial sport. Parents protect both their children and their rights to raise them how they see fit. So when it comes to the time a child of divorce spends with each parent, the schedule can be a huge point of contention.
But first, let’s clear up a matter of confusion. Custody and parenting time are two different issues. Custody pertains to decision-making authority—sole custody gives one parent full control, while joint custody means both parents share this power. Parenting time, however, refers to how time is allocated between parents, which can be unequal even with joint custody.
We’ll do a deep dive into custody in my next article. For now, let’s consider the pros and cons of various parenting schedules and factors to consider when creating one.
Less than Equal Parenting Schedules
Parenting schedules can be equal (50/50) or vary in percentage distribution. In rare cases, such as parental incarceration, child abuse, or substance abuse, a parent might have no visitation rights. Excluding situations that endanger the child, children generally benefit most from equal access to both parents.
However, achieving a 50/50 schedule can be challenging if parents live far apart, if one home is unsafe or unhealthy, due to irregular work hours, parental instability, or physical limitations. In such cases, schedules might be 80/20, 70/30, or 60/40.
While some parents believe a child will do better in a single home with a set routine, this should be weighed against the cost to the child of losing time with the other parent. Too often, I hear a parent or family court official say that a 50/50 parenting schedule would be too difficult for a child who is young or has special physical needs. Modern solutions can address most physical challenges across homes. A child being young is not a reason by itself to deny them equal access to the other parent. In fact, younger children adapt more easily to living in two homes as it is all they’ve ever known.
If you are a parent with a schedule that gives you less than 50% parenting time, I encourage you to take other opportunities to make up for lost time. Attend your child’s sports games. Take a family vacation with them each year. Chaperone school trips or other social events. I wrote an entire article on how to regain lost time with your child which you can read here.
Additionally, while it can be difficult, existing parenting schedules can be changed. If you wish to pursue a schedule change, first address it with your co-parent and see if the two of you can agree to changes without a legal fight. A mediator or co-parent coach can help you hammer out any differences and develop a mutually acceptable plan. Once you have a solid agreement, you can then take it to a legal professional to be formally filed with the court.
If your co-parent will not agree to changes, you can take the matter to court yourself or hire an attorney. If you do it yourself, you may lack the understanding of the legal process needed to compel the court to consider your request. If you hire an attorney, be prepared to spend some serious money.
The Default Parenting Schedule
Let’s talk about what is still considered the “default” divorced parent schedule in much of the United States. The schedule I am referring to is when one parent has the children full time while the other parent gets them one evening during the week for a few hours and every other weekend.
While this schedule is often presented as the “go-to” schedule, it is only one of MANY options parents have. While divorce attorneys, mediators, and family courts are doing a better job of communicating the option available to both parents, too often this very limiting and uneven schedule is adopted. This often happens in the fog of divorce when parents are hurt, fearful, and confused by all the changes that are happening to them at once. Unfortunately, the children pay the price of this outcome.
If you are in the process of divorcing, please know that you have many other options. Of course the go-to schedule may be the best choice for some. If you or your co-parent are unable to accommodate a child at one or the other residence or have a unique work or travel schedule, the “default” schedule may be the best you can do until or unless decisions are made to rectify these limitations.
50 / 50 Parenting Schedules
For jurisdictions that push for equal or shared parenting, there are several schedules that parents can choose from or design their own. Below are some of the most common schedules.
Week On / Week Off
In this schedule, parents will have the child for a week at a time with the child switching from one home to the other on the same day every week. While many change houses on Sunday evenings to start the new week, my son’s father and I opted to switch houses on Fridays. That way, rather than being sad to leave one parent as a new week begins, the kids and parents can instead look forward to fun weekend activities.
When I was divorcing, a friend of mine who was already divorced had this arrangement with their ex and recommended it. I am so glad we decided to swap on Fridays.
I will tell you though, in the early days when our son was young, being separated from him for 7 days at a time was too much for me to handle. So to resolve the overwhelming separation anxiety that I felt after three days, we did a mid-week overnight swap on Tuesdays and then returned the child to the other parent to finish the week with them on Wednesday and Thursday.
| Saturday | Sunday | Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Parent 1 with kids | Parent 1 with kids | Parent 1 with kids | Parent 1 with kids | Parent 1 with kids | Parent 1 with kids |
Parent 1 morning Parent 2 evening overnight |
| Parent 2 with kids | Parent 2 with kids | Parent 2 with kids | Parent 2 with kids | Parent 2 with kids | Parent 2 with kids |
Parent 2 morning Parent 1 evening overnight |
Two-week rotation
A two-week rotating schedule is like the week on / week off schedule. But for many parents and children, this gap is too long. Parents feel like they aren’t connected to what is happening with the child and may miss things over the course of two weeks. However, it may be a good option for children with special physical needs for whom frequent moves between houses requires extraordinary efforts to relocate specialty equipment. It could also be helpful for parents who have a long commute between homes or a hectic work travel schedule. Although, it could be difficult to pull it off during the school year.
The two-week schedule may also be a good option in the summer when school is out, and parents are working around summer camps and family vacation schedules. Following a two-week rotation may simplify things. As kids get older and can drive between homes, this may be an option they like better to minimize the carting back and forth of all their stuff—whether that be sports gear, music instruments, or personal items.
3-4-4-3 Schedule / 2-2-3 Schedule / 2-2-5-5 Schedule / Switch Every 2 Days
There are several schedules that seek to minimize the gap in time between parent/child visits while evening out the number of weekdays and weekends children spend with each parent. While all of these are good from those perspectives, I personally find them a bit more complicated to keep track of. If we had followed one of these schedules, I think I would have been looking at my calendar constantly to know when I did and didn’t have my child with me. But if it solves problems for parents and children, I’m a fan of all these options as they encourage continuity between parent and child
Custom Schedules
If you’re not seeing a schedule that works for the circumstances you are dealing with, no worries. Create your own. The family courts are open to creative schedules if everyone agrees to follow them, and it isn’t something super wacky that raises red flags in their minds. Honestly, I can’t even think of a good example to give you here as I’m guessing they’ve heard it all at some point.
In Conclusion
Except in the cases of clear physical, mental, or emotional abuse, substance abuse, or matters of health and safety, children do best when they have equal access to both parents. For this reason, parents should work together to create a schedule that offers their children this advantage. It isn’t always easy but it’s always worth it.
Teresa Harlow is a Co-parent Coaching and the author of the bestselling book Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code. Learn more at CoparentingCode.com