Preparing to Co-parent: Step 1 - Adopting an Empathetic Mindset

By Teresa Harlow

What do we do when we have something important coming up? In most cases, given the chance, we prepare for it – mentally, physically, and emotionally. Why do we prepare? Because it gives us the greatest chance of success. I’ve always admired the improv – the person who can respond with ease in a moment. The person who always seems to have the right comeback and can articulate their thoughts as they desire without any preparation at all. But for many, this simply isn’t how we operate. How often do you have a conversation with someone and then afterward say to yourself, “Dang, I should have said (insert your perfect response here). Why didn’t I think of that then?” Yes, why didn’t you think of that then? Because not all of us are great at improv. I know I personally am not. Yet, when I prepare in advance, I am confident I can navigate most interactions with grace.

Co-parenting communications can be especially challenging. That’s why preparation is key. Adopting an empathetic mindset beforehand will put you on the right track to formulate thoughtful, caring responses that focus on what’s important. Otherwise, you may engage using an unintended condescending tone or defensive language with an ex-partner. But how do you adopt an empathetic mindset toward someone you feel anger, hurt, frustration, disappointment, or even fear? Let’s explore.

What is empathy?

EMPATHY noun ( em·​pa·​thy | \ ˈem-pə-thē )

The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner —Merriam-Webster.com

As defined above, empathy is the theoretical act of putting yourself in the shoes of someone else. Experiencing the world as if you were them – through their eyes, ears, and other senses. Is it really possible to do this? Well, remember. I said theoretical – not literal. So theoretically yes you can, and while your experience may not perfectly parallel that of the person with whom you seek to empathize, it is a powerful step in the right direction.

Why is empathy important in the co-parenting relationship?

As stated in my previous article, co-parenting isn’t a competition. It’s a team sport. Regardless of your past as a romantic pair, the two of you can move forward with a positive relationship as co-parents. But because your previous relationship ended, you must add some tools to your toolbox to help you clear through the mucky emotional soup that can cloud your judgement and provoke you to take retaliatory measures when triggered – actions which, in the long run only hurt your child and your relationship with your co-parent.

As a co-parent, with whom do I need to empathize?

Adopt empathy toward your co-parent, your children, and anyone else involved with your communications surrounding your coparenting relationship. Of these, your co-parent will likely be the most challenging for you. Why should you show empathy toward someone who you feel has not earned it? Why not treat them with all the lack of consideration they’ve treated you? Why not treat them the way they deserve to be treated? That will certainly make you feel better, won’t it? Well, maybe in the moment. But does it position you and your children for the best opportunity at happiness going forward? If you breed angst with your former partner during your interactions with them, does the momentary glee from that cathartic dig you got in really add to your happy life or that of your children? Or does it sabotage it?

What are the benefits of empathy?

Ever heard of karma? Or the saying that you get what you give? What goes around comes around? Basically, the idea is that if you emanate positive energy, positive energy will be returned to you. Maybe you’re thinking that’s garbage because you feel you were good to your ex-spouse, but they just crapped all over you anyway. You didn’t get that positive returned to you. However, had you put negative out there, would that have caused them to instead respond positively? Or might that have just resulted in even greater negative? It’s not that your positive didn’t reap positive. It just returned less positive than you desired. So, in the end, you received a more positive outcome than you would have had you taken a negative approach with them.

Honestly, the equation is simple. Negative multiplies negative and positive increases positive. It can’t work any other way. Will it live up to the level of positive you had hoped for. Maybe not. But you certainly will not be worse off for it.

In addition to the fact that being empathetic must increase the likelihood of a positive outcome for you, it has another benefit.  Having empathy can greatly expand your perspective and enlighten you to the perception others have of you. It can also open you up to finding more creative solutions to issues once you place yourself in the other persons virtual shoes. You may think of solutions that would have otherwise never occurred to you. Or you may see the error in your own suggestions.

Finally, learning to adopt empathy and practice it with those you talk to most can help you refine your communication skills overall and become more effective when interacting with everyone in your life.

How do I adopt an empathetic mindset?

The idea is to imagine yourself on the receiving end of your words and actions.  

When it comes to your planned choice of words, say them out loud as you imagine hearing your ex say those very words to you. How did it sound to you? What did it make you feel? Would you like hearing someone say those words to you? Did your tone or language make you cringe, frown, or fidget. If so, change it up!

On actions, if your ex were to impact you in the same way you plan to impact them, would you be okay with it? How would it feel? What difficulties might it cause you? How would you interpret the action? How would you respond? 

Example of Applying Empathy

If you need to ask your ex to switch weekends with you because your parents are coming in town unexpectedly to visit their grandkids, which of the following incorporates empathy in your request to your co-parent?

 “My parents are coming in town next week. Mind if we swap weekends?”

OR

 “I appreciate you taking time to talk to me. My parents just told me they are coming in town this weekend to see their grandkids. Would you be willing to swap weekends with me and then take them an extra weekend sometime to make up for your lost time?

While the first response is perfectly fine, the second response does more. It demonstrates gratitude for the co-parent and an acknowledgement of the request’s impact on them. 

By playing out in your mind in advance how your words and actions will land on the other person, you’d be surprised how vividly you can imagine their thoughts, feelings, and responses. Do this ahead of time enough and it will become second nature in real-time when you are conversing with anyone. Practice makes perfect, right?

Want to find out if co-parent coaching could help you? Email Info@TeresaHarlow.com to set up a free consultation. For more in depth information on all of these topics, check out Teresa’s website and her bestselling book, Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code available at TeresaHarlow.com, Amazon, and anywhere else books are sold.