Shared Costs of Raising a Child With a Co-Parent
Paying to Raise Kids as Co-Parents
If you think that ending your romantic relationship with your child’s other parent will end your conflicts over money matters, think again. Even parents who have and abide by child support agreements encounter conflicts that stem beyond them.
What is and is not covered by child support
In many states, child support only covers basic needs such as clothing, food, shelter, education, transportation, and childcare. Depending on where you live and what agreement you were able to come to with a former partner, child support may not cover medical bills, medical and auto insurance, cell phones, computers, extra-curricular expenses—including camps, fees, uniforms, and lessons. And let’s not forget about the enormous cost of college tuition, should your child want to go.
With all of these additional expenses, your child needs a plan. They are counting on their parent to handle it and not create more conflict in their lives as a result. What are you doing to coordinate childhood expenses with your co-parent? What steps are you taking to tamp down conflict and make sure all of your child’s financial needs are covered?
The following are some common financial conflicts co-parents encounter.
Thinking that a Child Support Agreement is All They Need
If you read the above section, you can see how this simply isn’t true. You both need to expect to encounter expenses beyond child support when raising your child. I suggest making a list so that you have a visual record. If your child is older than ten, they can probably help you create the list. In fact, this exercise would be good for them, as it will help them understand the cost of things in their life—a valuable perspective to have. Include everything whether it is covered by child support or not.
Once you have your list, note which items are covered by child support. For the items not covered, write down any additional agreements you and your co-parent have already made to handle these. Have you agreed to split them? How are you keeping track of these expenses and payments each of you makes toward them? Are you keeping a spreadsheet in a central location which you can both access? Are you using a co-parent app to track expenses? Be sure to share the list with your co-parent.
For items not covered by your child support agreement that you and your co-parent have not discussed, set up a time to discuss it with them and work to hammer out a plan to cover everything amicably between the two of you. If you and your co-parent are unable to civilly discuss such matters, consider engaging a mediator, co-parent coach, or if you must, a family lawyer. Just bear in mind that going the legal route can be costly, stoke the fires of conflict, and put your fate in the hands of others.
Once you have your plan, keep your commitments to dutifully track items, pay your agreed share toward them, and be timely about it. Doing so builds trust and appreciation with your co-parent. This brings me to my next point… failing to pay.
Refusing to Pay or Underpaying Child Support and other Agreed Expenses
This is a real problem in the U.S with many parents either refusing to pay or underpaying on child support. Further, many parents whether they are fully aware or not, refuse to contribute one dime more to their child’s expenses than what has been ordered by the court.
Unfortunately, some parents view their child support payments as a benefit their former spouse is receiving from them. They may see a new car purchased and proclaim, “Yeah, my child support paid for that.” But here’s the reality regardless of how they paid for the new car. Paying child support is not a benefit to your ex or just something nice that you are doing for them. It is a legal obligation and the right thing to do. Failing to keep this obligation can result in legal action against you. If you fall on hard times, be forthcoming with your co-parent and try to work things out with them before they ask you about it.
But what if you’re paying and you don’t even get to see your child? I feel for you. Denying a parent the right to have a relationship with their child is a terrible thing to do. But withholding child support because a co-parent withholds visitation is still illegal and does not fly with the courts. Further, it makes your child’s life harder. Don’t impose punishment on your child for your co-parent’s poor behavior. Keep your commitment and take up the matter of visitation separate from your financial obligations to them. You’re not paying for visitation. You are paying to raise a child.
On the other hand…
Withholding Visitation due to Underpayment of Child Support
Sorry Charlie, just as it is illegal and wrong to withhold payment from you, if you withhold visitation, you are in violation of you legally binding parenting agreement. I understand your logic. But this is not the path to solve your problem. First, it does nothing to motivate your delinquent parent to pay. In fact, it does the opposite. Second, just as I explained to the parents withholding child support due to withheld visitation, they are not paying to get time with your child. They have a legal right to maintain a relationship with them and you have a legal obligation to allow it.
If you’re co-parent is not paying the agreed child support, first I suggest you talk to them to see what is going on. Maybe there are good reasons why payments have been late, fallen short, or not been made at all. If this does not resolve the issue, then seek help from the court systems, community service agencies, or a family lawyer, if necessary. There are remedies to pursue that do not involve you compromising your legal and moral obligations.
Assuming an Extravagant Child Expense Will be Shared with a Co-parent
As your child gets older, there may be summer camps, travel teams, music lessons, cars, and college tuition to contend with. They may want or even need a new computer, gaming console, or really expensive prom dress. Be careful not to make assumptions about how these larger expenses will be covered. Even if you and your co-parent have agreed to split everything 50/50, you owe them the courtesy of discussing high-ticket items in advance and discuss whether or not they can and should be covered or even purchased. And try to be fair about this.
If your child asks if they can go to an expensive summer camp, don’t just blurt out “yes you can go” if are not able and willing to cover this expense on your own without help from your co-parent. If the other parent is unwilling or unable to pay and you can’t do it on your own, you have now painted both of you into a corner. You will have to disappoint your child and your co-parent will look like the bad guy or girl in the situation. Would you want your child to see you this way?
Instead, if a big-ticket item comes up that you’ve not already discussed with your co-parent, tell your child you’ll talk to their other parent about it and get back to them. If the other parent agrees, then do the courteous thing and include them in the credits. For instance, tell your child “your father and I have agreed to pay for you to go to the camp you asked about. This lets your child know that even if you are no longer together in the same house, you are still a parenting team.
If your co-parent is not willing to pay for whatever reason, either come up with a plan without them or deliver the news to your child that money doesn’t grow on trees and help them learn a valuable life lesson. Don’t blame your co-parent or even say that the reason they can’t go is because of (mom / dad). Again, making them look bad to your child is mean and not something you would want them to do to you.
If you are both okay with the activity or item your son or daughter wants except for the cost, consider asking your child to come up with creative ways they can fund their desire—or whatever portion isn’t covered. Are they old enough to do jobs like babysitting, mowing yards, shoveling driveways, washing cars, or helping family or friends with various chores around the house or yard? Do they bake or create crafts and want to set up a stand to sell their wares at the end of the street or at a craft fair? Could they tutor a younger relative or neighbor for some extra cash? The point is If your child really wants something, they may be willing to get creative and put in the work to get it. And if they do, they’ll appreciate it even more.
In summary
Establish a plan with your co-parent that lay out how all foreseeable child expenses will be funded. Engage the use of technology to track finances. Keep your legal and moral obligations to your co-parent when it comes to child support and parenting schedules. Be courteous to each other about extravagant expenses and shield your co-parent from looking bad to your child. Doing so will build trust and cooperation with them. Hopefully, they will reciprocate by doing the same for you. For more tips on managing childhood expenses between parents and resolving related conflicts, check out my book on co-parenting, Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code available on Amazon or direct from TeresaHarlow.com.