4 Strategies to Combat Parental Alienation
By Teresa Harlow
While collaborative co-parenting is on the rise, there are still too many parents who fall victim to parental alienation by their co-parent. Parents who are too hurt, too angry, or just too narcissistic to consider the wellbeing of their child over their own emotions go to great lengths to deprive both their child and their co-parent of the opportunity to build and maintain a meaningful parent-child relationship.
If you are experiencing parental alienation, you may feel like there is nothing you can do to improve matters. But I want to give you back some hope and help. In my last two articles I covered three of four strategies that you can employ to diffuse and combat parental alienation efforts.
The four strategies are:
Talk to your child’s other parent about the specific conflict
Demonstrate the behavior you want from your ex-partner
Take every opportunity available to be present in your child’s life
Get professional help
This month, I’ll wrap up the series by going deeper on #4 Get professional help with your co-parenting efforts.
You may think that professional help is only available to you when both parents are willing to participate. Or you may fear that you can’t afford professional help. Below, I cover several options to consider depending on your situation.
Alternative Dispute Resolution
Collaborative Divorce and Amicable Divorce
If your divorce is not yet finalized, you can enlist Collaborative or Amicable Divorce professionals to help resolve issues and navigate the divorce process. Both Collaborative and Amicable Divorce processes involve hiring a team of professionals to support you—lawyers, coaches, realtors, mental health professionals, financial planners, etc.
While hiring an entire team sounds more expensive than traditional divorces involving two opposing attorneys, because these professionals work explicitly with a goal of reaching agreement rather than arguing, billable legal hours and court fees can be less overall. Additionally some practitioners engaging in these processes charge a flat fee for services.
The main disadvantages of Collaborative Divorce which I hear are that if the collaboration fails, you’ll have to start over and seek out new counsel because of how they share information across parties and professionals. So anyone who worked with the couple in the collaborative process is disqualified from representing either party separately should the collaboration fail.
Conversely, Amicable Divorce professionals do not share information across parties and as such do not need to recuse themselves should the process fail and end up going to trial. Additionally, there is more centralized oversight of Amicable Divorce Professionals including vetting of their experience, resolution focus, and billing practices to ensure they align with Amicable Divorce principles.
Both Collaborative Divorce and Amicable Divorce are limited to those who are in the process of divorcing. So if your divorce has been finalized, these processes are not options for you.
Mediation
Mediation is a dispute resolution process in which both parties must participate. Many courts are now mandating mediation for all divorcing couples. However, the courts cannot force anyone to reach agreement through mediation. Having said that, giving it a try is worthwhile, as it can minimize conflict with the other party and the legal fees associated with litigation. The other benefit of mediation is that parties in dispute maintain control of their own outcome as opposed to turning over decision-making authority to the court.
In mediation, a neutral third party facilitates dispute resolution between parties. Many mediators are also attorneys, but they don’t have to be. Most family mediators receive specialized training on divorce and child custody matters to effectively guide resolution of these types of disputes. Many jurisdictions also require family mediators to take classes to acquaint themselves with the warning signs and handling of domestic violence concerns.
The mediator who oversees dispute resolution cannot file the paperwork to legally record any agreements reached with the courts. For ethical reasons, this applies even when the mediator is an attorney. Because of this, the parties must hire a family lawyer to prepare and record their agreement with the court or learn how to do it on their own. For those with limited financial means, some jurisdictions offer low or no cost mediation and legal assistance.
Legal and Mental Health Routes
Family Lawyers
If you are here, you’ve probably already encountered these pros. And while they may be the only viable option for some, I strongly discourage you from seeking out the “killer divorce attorney” who will “go after” your ex. For one, they benefit from dragging things out and running up your legal bill. Even if they say they’ll recoup it from the other party, don’t be fooled into thinking this doesn’t affect you.
Whatever you take from your ex affects your child and maybe you too. So I advise against financially crippling a former partner. If you feel you deserve financial compensation, propose child or spousal support, or negotiate on shared property. But don’t hand your money to the lawyers just to get back at them. Besides the monetary cost, a court battle creates an adversarial relationship with your co-parent.
Family Therapists and other Mental Health Professionals
If you or your child are struggling with your new life after separating from a parent, enlisting a mental health professional can help you through the transition.
When I first divorced, I went to a psychologist for a few months. She helped me to adopt a healthful perspective and focus on the things I could control.
There are also mental health professionals you can ask the court to order if you are concerned about your child in the other home. But I have heard that many courts do a poor job enforcing such orders if the other parent refuses. Your best bet is to talk directly to your co-parent about the type of help you think your child needs and get their agreement to engage a professional for your child.
Coaching
Divorce Coaching
A Divorce Coach shepherds individuals through the divorce process to help them make informed decisions that will serve their interest as they transition from married to single. Divorce coaches may work with one or both parties in a divorce. They may be part of the larger collaborative divorce team. Alternatively, they may work independently. Some are lawyers, while others will refer clients to legal professionals who can file necessary paperwork with the courts as agreements are reached.
Divorce coaching rates can vary widely and may or may not save you money over legal routes. They also may or may not have received formal training. Be sure to vet any professionals you are considering.
Divorce coaches typically only work with clients up to the final divorce decree. So if problems occur after that, a divorce coach is unlikely to help with your situation.
Co-parent Coaching
A Co-parenting Coach can help you design your post-separation parenting life, or help you resolve conflicts with a co-parent. They can also help you to create your parenting plan. As they are not lawyers, they must engage family lawyers to do this work. Most will refer you to someone they know and trust.
Unlike many other professionals, a co-parenting coach can help parents before, during, or after the divorce is finalized. Additionally, some coaches will work with both parents, or an individual parent if the other refuses.
Unfortunately, many write off parents who find themselves alone in their collaborative co-parenting quest. They may suggest parallel parenting to minimize contact and conflict with the other parent to and focus on the child’s best interest. But is minimal communication between parents really what is best for the child or just easier?
In my coaching, I work with parents to help them shift their focus from the conflict to the parenting effort. I help them discover the behaviors that trigger conflict, learn how to redirect combative behaviors to more productive interactions, and build bridges toward collaboration with a co-parent.
At the end if the parent is focused on being a good parent and doing all they can to enable their co-parent to do the same, the likelihood of raising happy, healthy, caring, and productive children increases. At the very least, they know they’ve done all they can.
A co-parenting coach should have experience and training that gives them the skills needed to coach individuals to overcome obstacles and achieve goals. Be sure to vet any professionals you consider.
REPLAY AVAILABLE OF THE 1ST ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL SHARED PARENTING DAY EVENT
On April 26, National Parents Organization hosted the first annual International Shared Parenting Day Event, and the response was tremendous. This free event was held virtually and offered a plethora of insights for co-parents. If you were unable to attend, you may replay the entire event now on YouTube. If you find it helpful, please give it a thumbs up and share it with others who could benefit.
—Teresa Harlow
Teresa Harlow is a co-parenting coach, author, professional speaker, and mediator. Her bestselling book, Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code is used by family law firms, mediators, and therapists across the U.S. in their practices working with parents. Learn more at TeresaHarlow.com.