How to be a Fully Present Co-parent
Are you a victim of parental alienation or constantly fighting with a co-parent to comply with your parenting agreement? Conflicts in co-parenting can be difficult to resolve. Especially if you feel like you are the only one trying to be cooperative. Yet are you certain you are doing everything possible to improve your circumstances and your parenting experience?
Last month, I introduced four strategies that will help you to minimize parental alienation.
The four strategies are:
Talk to your child’s other parent about the specific conflict
Demonstrate the behavior you want from your ex-partner
Take every opportunity available to be present in your child’s life
Get professional help
This month, we’ll focus on #3 and how applying it can strengthen both the co-parenting relationship and your bond with your child. Next month we’ll wrap it up with #4.
#3 Take Every Opportunity Available to be Present in Your Child’s Life
There are many ways to support your child and spend time with them beyond your designated parenting time. Are you seizing these opportunities? It is important to commit yourself to being in your child’s whole life if you truly want to be a whole parent. Always remember that whether they are with you or not, they are your children 24/7. Being fully present for your child also shows your commitment to the co-parent relationship.
Here are ten examples of things you can do to increase the bond (and time) you have with your children and support the co-parenting relationship beyond your usual parenting schedule.
Live close to the other parent
By living close, you will burn less time commuting and instead have this time to enjoy with your child. Additionally, if your co-parent hasn’t slapped a restraining order on you, living close allows you to easily drop off anything forgotten at your house or offer your child a ride when your co-parent isn’t able to.
The other benefit is that your child can stay connected to friends no matter which house they are at, which makes going back and forth between homes more comfortable for them.
Talk to your child daily on the phone or by video.
I wish I would have had video calling when my son was young. It would have greatly eased my separation anxiety. Consider yourself fortunate to have this option and take advantage of it. Seeing your child’s face and them seeing yours when they are not with you can strengthen your parent-child connection and give them continuity.
If video calling is not an option, then I recommend at least calling your child on the phone once a day to touch base. But be respectful of your co-parent just as you would want them to be toward you. Call at reasonable times or at times you’ve agreed are best. Call daily but don’t call more than twice a day (morning and night) unless there are special circumstances that warrant it. And use the phone line your co-parent has asked for you to call. If that is their phone, then call their phone. Of course, if this doesn’t result in getting to talk to your child, you have every right to ask your co-parent to explain.
In most states, reasonable access to the child includes phone calls from a parent unless there are extenuating circumstances.
Offer to be the before or after-school parent to reduce childcare needs for your co-parent
My son’s dad always went to work earlier than me. So during his week, he would drop our son off at my house in the morning. During periods where I worked at home, our son would be at my house every day before and after school which significantly increased the amount of time I was able to enjoy with him while simultaneously reducing childcare costs for my co-parent.
Attend all your child’s events including sports games and practices, music performances, scouting activities, father-daughter dances, and whatever else they are involved in.
Yes, this may put you in the same place as your ex more often. But the benefits are worth it. First, it shows both your child and your co-parent that your child is your priority. Plus, it extends the time you get to be with them, even if only for a quick greeting before or after.
If you can take an even more active role such as being a coach, or troop leader then do it.
Offer to transport your child to and from their events
I only had one child to get from one place to another and still it was a challenge some days due to work and other commitments. You probably have the same struggles, as does your co-parent. And if you have more than one child, you’ll probably face times when they need to be in two completely different places at the same time. So help each other out with transportation and you get two benefits out of it. You get more time with your kids while building good will with your co-parent.
Participate in parent prom photo gatherings and other special moments in your child’s life
Some parents say they miss out on these opportunities because they didn’t know about them. But then they never asked their co-parent or their child if anything special was coming up that they should know about. Don’t assume this information will be freely offered. You are not the top priority for your co-parent anymore and they may not even think you’d be interested.
Or maybe your co-parent doesn’t want you there. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to be there. These are your parenting moments too. Take charge of your life and your parenting responsibilities. Just don’t be the reason why others don’t want you there.
Read my suggestions in the bullet points further down to minimize resistance to your presence at your child’s activities.
Take court-approved uninterrupted parenting time.
Don’t blow off your allotted family vacation time each year because of work, lack of money, or other conflicts. Work it out to take this time with your child even if it’s just for a staycation. You can go to a park, ride bikes, or do some gardening. On a rainy day, do crafts, play video games or cards, or watch movies with them. They will love it that you made time just to be with them.
Offer to plan and host parties to celebrate your child’s milestones such as birthdays and graduations.
This is another opportunity for you to show support for your co-parent. If they are traditionally the one to plan the birthday parties or host sleep overs, offer to help with it by buying supplies, decorating, or offering to host it.
If your co-parent isn’t interested in doing a joint party, host your own separate party, but be the bigger person and invite them to attend. If they decline, accept it, and proceed with your plan.
Volunteer in your child’s classroom, chaperone a field trip, or work at events your child is attending.
Schools always need volunteers. So you can give back to your community by filling this need at the same time you increase your time with your child. You’ll also have a chance to get to know your children’s friends and teachers better through your volunteer efforts.
Offer to help your child with homework or art projects.
This is particularly helpful to your co-parent if you have skills that may not be in their wheelhouse. Just be careful to offer this without insulting your co-parent.
As you study the lists above, you may be concerned about provoking your co-parent or making things uncomfortable for your child, especially for those activities which put you and your co-parent in the same place. To address this concern, take these steps.
Clearly communicate your plan to attend to your co-parent. Reassure them that you want to be there to support your child and are not seeking conflict with them.
If your co-parent resists you attending an event, sit far apart to minimize interaction. When this isn’t possible, be courteous and respectful to them, regardless of what they may do to try and provoke you.
If there is a repeat performance for the same event, pick a different time from the one your co-parent will be attending. This way, your child has parental support across two timeframes.
Don’t bow out due to discomfort on your part, your co-parent’s, or even your child’s. This simply enables parental manipulation by the other parent and demonstrates that you are unwilling to overcome challenges to participate fully in your child’s life. A good parent shows up no matter what.
Of course, if there is a restraining order in place against you, comply with it. Violating it will not help you or your child. Instead, take advantage of the items on the list that don’t violate the order.
JOIN US WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26 FOR THE 1ST ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL SHARED PARENTING DAY EVENT
This Wednesday, April 26, National Parents Organization is hosting a FREE VIRTUAL event for co-parents from 7:00 - 8:30 P.M. EDT. Attendees will receive valuable information to help improve your co-parenting journey. But you must register to attend. Click here to reserve your spot and receive event details.
Teresa Harlow