Co-parenting During the Holidays

Ah the Holidays. A time for joy, celebration, and… stress! It’s a challenging season for any family. Everyone talks grandly about beautiful holiday dinners, hours spent decorating together, shopping for gifts, and attending holiday parties.

But what happens if you’re a divorced or separated parent. For co-parents, the holidays serve up a full menu of stress. From the added challenges of dividing time with the children between two homes, to the pressure of creating those perfect childhood memories for your kids. So how do you get it right?

With a little intention and planning you can convert these challenges into opportunities for your family.

Holiday Traditions

As parents, isn’t it our duty to pass on our family traditions to them. Yet that is very difficult to do when you’ve agreed to alternate holidays and have so many schedules to consider in your planning. In some cases you can simply practice the tradition in alternating years or on a different day or time from year to year.

But some traditions that include extended family can be harder to maintain. How do you keep traditions when you constantly have to consider the forces outside of your home? How do you balance what your child wants with what you want to experience as a parent?

Some parents opt to let the kids decide. This sounds nice on the surface – let the kids do what makes them happy. Isn’t that what we all want – for our kids to be happy? But it can sure make life difficult for everyone else trying to navigate complex schedules and logistics when the kids can decide whatever they want whenever they want.

If you ask me, this just reinforces to the child that they don’t need to consider anyone else. And honestly, why should figuring all that out be a child’s responsibility? Is it fair to put your children in a position of making them choose who to spend time with? How exactly are they to face those who didn’t see them without feeling badly?

My first tip for co-parents managing family holiday traditions is to be flexible. Be willing to carry out the tradition on different days and times. Compromise with your co-parent. They should not be the only ones expected to give up a tradition every year. Meet them halfway. Don’t be so rigid with your custody schedule that you can’t make room for unexpected holiday activities. Remember, even when you have a standing holiday parenting schedule, your family and friends will not have it at top of mind when making their plans.

Second, let go of traditions which are no longer realistic in your new circumstances. If your tradition is creating anything other than a joyful experience for you, your kids, and others involved, it may be time to rethink it.

Third, don’t make your kids decide how to split up their time with family during the holiday. Be the adults while also teaching your kids to consider others in their plans as they get older.

Finally, seize the opportunity to create new holiday traditions that offer more flexibility and that fit into your new schedule, budget, and living conditions.

Gift Giving

Gift giving is another potential cause of stress when co-parenting during the holidays. Whether we’re talking about buying gifts for your kids or having them buy gifts for others, some planning and collaboration with a co-parent and extended family can go a long way in reducing the anxiety associated with holiday gift giving.

Buying Gifts for your Child

A few of the stressors for co-parents, when it comes to buying gifts for your child tend to be cost, coordinating who buys what across two families, and simply having less money to spend on gifts.

The older your children are, the more this one applies. Often, the gifts kids ask for as they get older are more expensive – electronics, phones, concert tickets, etc. If you really want them to have something and think their other parent will agree, why not ask them to go in on it? And be sure to reciprocate the same to them if asked.

Beyond coordinating financially, coordinate what you each plan to get for your children. By doing this, they don’t end up with duplicates, unless having the item at both houses makes sense. Plus, the things your kids wanted most aren’t missed by both of you.

Finally, be careful not to compete with your co-parent on gift-giving to win favor with your children. Would you want them to do this to you?

Buying Gifts for Your Co-parent

While you may not want to give your ex a gift after you split up, failing to do this is a missed lesson for your child. When you give a gift to another person, don’t you enjoy watching them open it and seeing their face light up? Don’t deny your child the joy of this experience with their other parent. Plus, when someone gives you something and you have nothing for them, how does it make you feel? Uncomfortable? Do you really want to put your child in this position? Do you want to miss teaching them that it feels good to both give and receive?

Provide your child the opportunity to give something to their other parent. Consider setting a budget between you and your co-parent. Take your child shopping for them. If money is tight, help your children make something to give their other parent.

Coordinate Holiday Plans with Extended Family on BOTH Sides

When you were together, you may recall communicating with extended family including your in-laws to coordinate schedules, gatherings, and gift exchanges. As co-parents, you’ll need to be proactive in doing this. While ex-in-laws may not feel comfortable reaching out to you, if you take the initiative to share your child’s schedule and wish-list, they will feel included in their lives and appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Make sure those you celebrate with know your schedule with the kids and encourage them to consider it when planning holiday activities. Share gift lists and let them know if some things can’t be worked out why it’s important for you to keep your co-parenting commitments. This is especially helpful to those relatives who’ve never had to consider these circumstances.

If you fail to include extended family in your holiday planning, in the end, if your kids miss out on a super-fun gift exchange with the in-laws where Santa showed up in person, all they’ll remember is that Mom and Dad’s divorce ruined their lives. And you certainly don’t want your children to think they were forgotten or intentionally left out of the celebration. Wouldn’t it just be better to step up and meet the moment by collaborating across families?

Dealing with Guilt and the Holiday Blues

If your divorce or separation was recent, you may be very distraught facing the holidays for the first time in this new normal. Maybe you’ve been divorced a while and sink into a depression at the onset of every holiday season, just wishing you could return to a simpler time.

First, drop the guilt you feel about not being there every moment for your children. When they are with your co-parent, they are with someone who loves them. Don’t mistake you missing them for guilt over them not being with you. Accept that it’s a good thing for your children to spend time with their other parent, even if you don’t want to.

If you must spend certain holidays alone because it’s your ex-partner’s turn to have the kids, find some useful employment of your own. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Deliver toys and food to families in need. Visit the elderly in your community.

You could host a gathering for others co-parents or attend adult gatherings you never had the freedom to consider before. Attend a religious service to feed your soul. Enjoy a night in by yourself ordering the dinner and watching the movies you typically forgo when with your children.

Engaging in activities which take advantage of your child-free time is an excellent diversion from feeling melancholy.

Co-parenting During the Holidays Final Thoughts

• Consider that making great holiday memories with your child is as important to your co-parent as it is to you. Ask them what they expect and share your desires with them.

• Remember that your child may feel pressure to spend time with everyone or may get as stressed as you about all the excessive planning. Be the adult and let them know you are working to make sure everything is covered. Remind them to enjoy themselves.

• The holidays offer many lessons. Teach your children how to give and receive. Demonstrate the importance of family traditions balanced with flexibility and sensitivity to the needs and desires of others.

• Think about all the other people in your children’s lives and make room for them in your children’s holiday plans.

Teresa Harlow is a Co-parenting Coach and author of the bestselling book, Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code. Learn more at TeresaHarlow.com