What to Look for in a Therapist in High Conflict Custody Cases
By Kelley A. Baker, PhD, LPC
Forensic Consulting Services
Vice President, International Council on Shared Parenting
Relational issues are one of the most common reasons why people go to therapy. The vast majority of individuals will experience some positive benefits from therapy. The training a therapist receives in graduate school, practicum, and internship provides the skills and information necessary to guide people in a way that increases their insight about their own intrapsychic and interpersonal barriers in relationships. So, why do they not have the same level of success with families going through high conflict, litigated, separation and divorce?
Most parents who divorce will find a way to minimize their conflict. Even if they cannot attain a harmonious “conscious uncoupling” as described by Katherine Woodward and later popularized by Gwyneth Paltrow, they are able to bring closure to their intimate relationship and move themselves and their children into a stable and somewhat amicable new existence where family units exist in two homes instead of one, where parents operate differently but still unite on important topics, and where healthy parent child relationships are valued by both parents.
For those parents who are not able to accomplish this (approx. 15% of divorcing parents), the help they need is specialized. Legal and mental health professionals vary in the amount of knowledge and experience they have to help these families. Some judges are quick to see the efforts of one parent to try and limit the other parent’s time with the kids, quick to see that the parents need education about how to be “good” divorced parents, and quick to see the stress that the conflict is putting on the children, which allows them to make rulings that protect children’s relationships with both parents. Some lawyers have seen the devastation that can occur to an entire family system financially, emotionally, and relationally, which allows them the empathic understanding to advise their clients as to all their options and pursue the most efficient legal course. Some mental health professionals have acquired specialized training that allows them to identify the unique characteristics of children being manipulated by a parent, to help relieve the internalized stress from loyalty conflicts, and to assess disingenuous parental concerns, which increases the likelihood that they can make a significant difference in the quality of relationships.
However, many legal and mental health professionals do not have specialized training in resist and refuse dynamics, alienation, the benefits of shared parenting, and positive coparenting skills to help these families and therefore many families are hurt by the legal and/or therapeutic process. The intention is usually not to harm, but they don’t know what they don’t know. If for instance, a counselor has not been educated on the behaviors used by some parents to manipulate children’s perspectives of the other parent, the counselor is likely to take the child’s narrative at face value because that is how he/she was taught to be a counselor. As an individual therapist, you are taught to build rapport by meeting your client where they are, empathically reflecting their narrative, seeing the world from their view, providing unconditional positive regard, etc. In traditional therapy, these skills do not entail assessing the narrative for signs of manipulation or a hidden agenda aimed at influencing the court process and/or excluding the other parent.
Mental health professionals who have acquired specialized training in the dynamics specific to divorcing families will approach their work with parents and children with the knowledge of how therapeutic services can be exploited during divorce to gain an advantage. Many well intentioned therapists chosen by one parent without the knowledge of the other parent have been unknowingly manipulated to support the parent’s attempts to limit the child’s involvement with the other parent. Their training did not include the information necessary for them to protect themselves or their clients and can result in devastating professional consequences for them and lifelong trauma for the client who may spend years being parented by one extremely unhealthy parent in the absence of the other more normally flawed parent.
All this to say, choosing a therapist is critically important in the divorce process. If a legal professional suggests or orders your family or an individual in your family to have therapy, the person chosen should be vetted completely to ensure that they have the training necessary. Some things to look for when reviewing websites or interviewing therapists are:
Specializations should include work in forensic settings, which is to say they have worked with the court system. Listing their skill set to include the ability to work with “relationship issues” or “parent-child relationship issues,” or “divorce” is not enough. Their experience should include working with families in high conflict divorce and separation.
Where did they get their specialized training? This training does not occur in graduate school. The professional had to have professional training beyond grad school. If they give you the name of someone, look that person up to see who they are, what kind of training they provide, etc. If you believe you are dealing with an alienation case, every counselor - individual and family should be trained in alienation.
Have they been designated as an expert? If so, on what topics? Not all therapists who have specialized training are designated as experts by the courts, so this is not a requirement in choosing a therapist. However, when they have been, it gives some idea of their experience in the courtroom and their areas of expertise.
Intake procedures should include requests for temporary orders, final divorce orders, and/or orders for therapy. If the parent is seeking counseling for a child, both parents should be given the opportunity to provide their perspective on how counseling can help the child and both parents should be invited to be bring the child for their sessions. If the counselor provides general updates, they should be given to both parents.
Reunification counseling is a version of family therapy that addresses the specific issue of a child resisting visitation with a parent and/or not having seen the parent in a long while. The therapeutic world is still grappling with what this term means, but it seems clear that it includes some different components than traditional family therapy. (1) Assessment of the reasons for resistance. (2) Differentiate justified resistance from irrational resistance. This process requires that the therapist be willing to talk to other professionals and “dig” into the family history, which is not typical of a regular family therapy situation. In the case where an assessment has already been completed, the therapist should review the assessment to understand the reasons for the resistance and/or speak to the professional who completed the assessment. (3) Willingness to provide assistance outside the normal setting of a therapy office. Getting a child and parent together who have not seen each other in a while is as much about spending time together as it is talking about things. Often a child does not want to go over all the reasons (real and not real) for resisting contact. The most therapeutic thing is just to experience the parent in a normal setting. (4) Time limited and based on observable change. Legal processes can drag on endlessly waiting for results from therapy, when therapy is not going to help. Ask the therapist how long they will attempt to improve things before recommending another level of care and what is the criteria for improvement. One recommendation is that if there is not observable improvement (i.e.., the child and parent are spending time together, the amount of time has increased, the child is making it through an entire therapy session, the child is exhibiting positive emotion toward the parent, etc.) after three months the therapist will let the lawyers know that there has been no process and terminate and/or provide alternative recommendations.
Delaying legal processes and increasing the amount of time a child is not having visitation with a parent are two of the most detrimental things that can occur when lawyers and courts send families to therapy. In many cases, some member(s) of the family do not want to attend therapy because they don’t really want things to improve and/or don’t want others to see what they are doing to manipulate the children. Some ways to ensure that an order for counseling has the greatest opportunity to actually help and does not make things worse are:
Ask for a review hearing to be set in 60 – 90 days. If it is not needed because things are going well, everyone can agree to pass it. This holds everyone accountable and usually increases the chances that appointments will be kept.
Include in the order that everyone will contact the therapist within 7-10 days.
Include the frequency of sessions – (e.g., one session per week)
Include the date by which sessions will begin
Ask for a specific therapist (assuming you or your lawyer have done the research on the therapist). Or ask for certain parameters to the selection process that ensures the selection of a MHP with the necessary training.
In summary, an order for therapy should be specific and include requirements that decrease the chances for delay and increase accountability. The selection process of a therapist should include much more than reviewing an insurance list of available therapists within a 15 mile radius. It is understandable that everyone is trying to find ways to save money when involved in litigation, but parents will likely end up spending much more on legal fees and additional therapy to correct the problems that one therapist without adequate training will make.