Life After Separation: 7 Coping Strategies for You and Your Children
By Sophia Young
No one prepares you for life after separation from a loved one. And while it may seem impossible, you can rebuild your family’s life even when your partner is no longer in the picture. Whether you’re trying to adjust to life with a loved one in jail, move on from divorce, or deal with the death of your partner, here are a few tips on how to cope with the grief and major changes that may arise.
1. Accept that life won’t be the same
Life simply won’t be the same when you’re separated from a spouse or partner. With someone who’s been a constant in your life suddenly gone, you may struggle to get through each day without them. Unfortunately, you can’t turn back time, but what you can do is accept the fact that this is your reality now. Yes, you’ll feel a little lost at first, but over time, you’ll be able to adjust to life without them.
2. Don’t talk badly about the other parent
You may not know it, but badmouthing your partner to your child during divorce or incarceration can turn them against their other parent. Even if you never intended to ruin your child’s perception of their other parent, you may end up leading them to believe that their parent truly is a bad person.
If you have to vent, don’t do it to your child – instead, you could air out your frustrations to a friend. You must allow your child to form their own opinions about their other parent. They shouldn’t feel pressured to take your side.
3. Check in with your feelings
If you’re going through a divorce, it’s normal to feel a wave of emotions when your relationship ends, even if your marriage wasn’t the greatest. Allow yourself to fully feel your emotions, whether it be fear, confusion, guilt, rage, or everything in between.
Don’t forget to check in with your child, too. Let your child know that it’s perfectly fine to feel sad, confused, or frustrated. Make sure to set an example for your child – if you express your feelings calmly, they will do this, too. On the other hand, if you react explosively, you’ll only teach your child to deal with their emotions in an unhealthy way.
4. Tell your children it’s not their fault
It’s not uncommon for children to worry that they led you two to divorce. Even if your child doesn’t tell you this, there’s a good chance they’ll hold onto that guilt. Sit down with your child and tell them that they didn’t have anything to do with it. Explain why you decided to go separate ways in a way that they’d understand. For example, if you have young children, you could simply say, “We don’t get along anymore” or “We’re no longer happy together.”
5. Give yourself a break
No one expects you to bounce back right after you’ve lost a loved one for whatever reason, so don’t worry about not bringing your A-game to work or saying no to social commitments. You’ve lost someone truly special to you, so go easy on yourself and give yourself time to mourn. Take life one day at a time, and at a pace that feels comfortable to you.
The same goes for your children. Grief can cause children to act out of character, so if they start failing in class or if their mood often fluctuates, don’t get mad at them. Remind yourself that they’re going through grief, too.
6. Maintain a routine
Adjusting after losing a loved one, whether due to death, divorce, or incarceration, can be hard, but it can be especially hard on children. When they feel that their whole world has turned upside down, the most important thing you can offer them is a sense of security.
By sticking to their usual routine, you can show them that life can still go on. It also reassures them that even if one parent isn’t around, they can still count on you. So, if go to the park during the weekends, then go to the park! Once you and your family have started to heal, you can consider adding new activities to your routine to create your “new normal”.
7. Find support from others
Some people try to ignore their grief, hoping that it will go away on its own. However, what this does is make it harder to move on. While losing a loved one is extremely painful, you must allow yourself to experience all the emotions that come with that loss.
If your loved one has passed away, it’s a good idea to seek support from your loved one’s relatives who are also coping in their own ways. Or, if you’re trying to cope with a spouse’s incarceration, find support groups specifically for people with loved ones in prison.
There is life after separation
Whatever the circumstances, the loss of a partner can result in significant life changes. While you may not be able to get over your grief, you will be able to learn to live with it and move forward with life.
If you need more information on how to deal with separation, or if you’re interested in resources on shared parenting, child support, or other topics, find support from the National Parents Organization today.
