How to Overcome 3 Obstacles to Collaborative Co-parenting
Many parents living separately attempt co-parenting only to see their efforts fail. But why? For the vast majority of divorced and separated parents, their efforts to co-parent collaboratively don’t fail because they are bad parents, unwilling to give it a try, or want to ruin their kids’ lives. It’s because they don’t know how to overcome the obstacles standing in their way. Three of these obstacles are:
Being angry or emotionally hurt
Getting defensive
Competing for favor with the children
How to Dump Your Anger and Hurt Toward an Ex
When parents suffer an end to their intimate relationship, there’s usually some hurt and/or anger. Often, parents focus on these raw emotions and believe that they must resolve these feelings before they can move forward as co-parents. They focus on the broken relationship that both have already declared over. So why give that your energy?
Release the Need to Fix Your Relationship With the Ex
Well-meaning people say, “Just focus on the kids”. But I believe more is necessary to achieve co-parenting happiness. The angry or hurt parent must do something with these emotions or they will continue to block their efforts. It will permeate their every thought about the other person. Everything the other parent says or does is filtered through these emotions. To stop the pain, the parent tries to get over their hurt and anger. Then when this doesn’t work, they declare their co-parenting efforts doomed.
“I can’t co-parent with him. I can’t forgive what he did.”
“We can’t co-parent. She thinks I’m the only one at fault in our divorce.”
What do these statements have in common? They’re focused on the intimate relationship. But what if they instead were to shift their focus to the parenting relationship
While many say, “Just focus on the kids”, I’m saying work to develop a respectful, thoughtful, and maybe even caring relationship with your child’s other parent—not with your ex-lover! Stop focusing on the intimate relationship or what needs fixed about it. Redirect all that effort to being a good parent and enabling your co-parent to do the same.
Could it be that simple? Think about it. Being good parents doesn’t require liking the other person, forgiving them, or apologizing to them for past misdeeds. And if you’re harboring thoughts of someday getting back together, you need to come to terms with the fact that whatever comes of your intimate relationship, your responsibilities as parents continue.
Stop trying to fix your intimate relationship with the ex. It is not a prerequisite to forging a unified front as parents.
How to Stop Defensive Behavior Between Co-parents
As a former couple, you may have developed trust issues, felt taken for granted, been accused of things you didn’t do, or feel guilty about your behavior. After you separate, there is residue from these emotions that contaminate your interactions with one another going forward. When a friend or co-worker says, “What are your plans this weekend?”, you think they simply want to know what you have in store and you believe this is because they care about you. When your ex asks the same question, you may instead think one of the following…
“He wants to know if I’m seeing someone else.”
“He’s just trying to find something he can use against me with the kids.”
“She doesn’t trust me with the kids.”
You immediately assume the worst. They must be up to something. You don’t even consider the idea that they may just be making polite conversation. How do you stop feeling like every question is a potential hack by your ex?
Then again, maybe you’re on the receiving end of defensiveness. Every time you ask your former lover a question, he assumes you’re out to trap him. How do you diffuse defensive responses so you can have more comfortable, productive conversations that instill trust?
For the Parent Who Feels Defensive Toward a Co-parent
Have you considered that maybe you’re just reading too much into everything being said? Are you subconsciously adding unintended context to what they’re asking? Maybe your fears are grounded in the troubles you had with each other when you were together. Were you afraid if you said the wrong thing that there would be hell to pay? Did they accuse you of things you didn’t do or feel? Or did you do things that have left you with unresolved guilt?
How should you respond when your ex asks you a question or makes a statement?
What if you just take the question or statement from your co-parent at face value? No more. No less. When you start to think to yourself “Why is he asking me this question?”, stop right there and instead say to yourself “Next!” I learned this technique from world renowned author and speaker, Dr. Wayne Dyer. If you interrupt the onset of your suspicion, or any unproductive thinking, you can stop the whole series of negative thoughts that would usually follow.
Some of you are probably thinking, “Easy for you to say. You’re not dealing with this jerk.” You’re convinced that your ex-partner’s desire is to make your life as difficult as possible.
Look, this may or may not be the case. But you don’t have to take part in their game, if that’s what it is. Either way, there’s nothing good that comes from you getting defensive. All you’re doing is projecting negative energy. If they really are up to something, you’re signaling that they’re getting to you and handing over your power to them. Stop it! Don’t feed it and don’t be the one to start it with a defensive response to a simple question. You have a choice—a simple response.
If for some reason you don’t want to answer their question, give a generic response like “Nothing special”, and follow it with “How about you?” That last part may take some effort if you have no interest in hearing their response. But by asking them a question, you revert the focus back to them. If their interest is genuine, now you’ve reciprocated in kind, which will only help to strengthen your relationship as parenting partners.
For the Parent Dealing With a Defensive Co-parent
You ask a simple question. You thought it was benign enough and showed you are focused on the kids. I mean all you asked was, “How did the kids do on their tests today in school?” Next thing you know you’re being berated for accusing your ex of being a bad parent. What’s wrong with you anyway? You know he makes sure they study. Yet all you do is assume the worst of him.
I know. You really weren’t thinking anything at all about your ex. You just wanted to know how the tests went. Nothing else. First, realize that this reaction is less about your question and more about unresolved feelings your co-parent harbors toward you. So what can you do? Is this how life is going to be from now on?
The truth is your ex is the one with the problem here and you can’t resolve it for them. Although you can work to diffuse their defensiveness. While it is true that they bear the burden of how they process your words, you can apply one technique to decrease the likelihood that they read anything into your ask.
To the defensive co-parent, I suggested that they avoid adding unspoken context to their interpretation of your question. So the flip side to this is for you to offer context up front to clarify your intent.
Let’s use the example “How did the kids do on their tests today in school?” Instead, you could start with a statement recognizing your co-parent’s positive efforts such as “I really appreciate all the effort you put into making sure the kids study. They mentioned they had an important test today. Have they told you how it went?”
Sure the above took more effort – more forethought. And you don’t have to do it. But if you don’t supply context to clarify your motivation for asking, don’t be surprised when they turn it into something entirely unintended. Why not just make the investment in your communication up front? It is the strongest tool the two of you have now to amicably co-parent. At first you may have to practice what you’ll say to get in the habit of giving added context with your questions. But eventually, it will become automatic.
The Extra Effort: Is it Worth it?
If you ever question whether all this extra effort is worth it, remember why you’re doing this. Because you want to be a good parent and you want your child’s other parent to be the best parent they can be. You also want your sanity and know that staying amicable with your co-parent is better for everyone. The effort is worth it. It will pay off ten-fold for your entire family as you continue to build a successful parenting partnership.
Next month, we’ll address cover competing for favor with your kids.
Contributed by Teresa Harlow
Teresa Harlow is a professional speaker, co-parenting coach, and the author of the bestselling book Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code available on Amazon and directly from TeresaHarlow.com.