Co-parenting is Not a Competition
By Teresa Harlow
Last month’s article addressed two of three obstacles to collaborative co-parenting that many parents struggle with. These obstacles are:
Being angry or emotionally hurt
Getting defensive
Competing for favor
We covered the first two obstacles in last month’s article. Now, let's address the last one…
Competing With Your Co-parent to Win Favor With Your Child
Everyone likes to be liked, right? Just think about the amount of time you’ve personally spent liking social media posts or checking the number of likes you’ve gotten on your own post. If people didn’t care about acceptance and being liked, social media would quickly fade away.
When we divorce, we come face to face with the reality that there’s at least one person who doesn’t like us very much anymore. And by the way, that person talks to our kids. As a result some parents fear that their children may abandon them for the other parent if they don’t win the popularity contest. So they work to protect the parent-child relationship by making sure the child has no reason to dislike them. Afterall, don’t we need to prove to ourselves and our co-parent that we are still lovable and fun to be around?
Of course, forging a caring and nurturing relationship with a child is a good thing. It becomes a problem when a parent either shirks their parental responsibilities or starts to view their co-parent as a competitor. Not only do they put their child at risk, but they also damage the co-parenting relationship.
As parents grapple with rejection and strive for acceptance with their children, some will shower the child with material possessions and unforgettable life experiences while others shy away from discipline, setting limits, or asking their child to take on responsibilities like doing chores or simply picking up after themselves. Basically, they avoid doing anything that their children may perceive as unpopular or harsh.
The Co-parent Who Competes with Extravagant Gifts and Experiences
What parent hasn’t had a child come home telling them about the new toy another child just got that they must have because everyone has it? What adult hasn’t felt the pressure to buy the newest iPhone or subscribe to that new streaming service that everyone is talking about? We don’t want to be left behind or out of the conversation. We feel a need to “keep up with the Joneses”.
But all this keeping up comes at an expense. First the money for these things must come from somewhere. Second, we may fundamentally disagree with owning a particular item or committing ourselves to some new and ongoing expense.
When a child is constantly showered with extravagant gifts, vacations, parties, or allowances, their co-parent may feel pressured to match them to provide an equitable experience at their home. But when they either lack the money or simply disagree with giving a child expensive gifts, it can quickly turn into resentment which doesn’t exactly sow the seeds of harmony with a co-parent. The other parent feels they are being left behind. They may be left out of the conversation with the child.
If you find yourself needing to win your child’s love by showering them with extravagant gifts, what can you do to make sure you don’t damage the co-parenting relationship in the process? Well, as with most advice I give, I challenge you to start with the Golden Rule. Ask yourself what you would want your co-parent to do for you if they were planning to buy your child something extravagant. Would you want them to consult you? Would you want them to consider whether it might diminish your child’s view of you? Might you expect them to manage how their child views the gift to ensure they don’t feel they should expect you to splurge in the same way?
After you ask yourself these questions, you should be able to come up with a game plan that will show respect for the co-parenting relationship.
The Co-parent Who Competes with Lack of Discipline, Limits, or Responsibilities
When one parent refuses to discipline, set limits, or instill responsibility in a child, the other parent then must either take up the role of the unpopular parent by doing these things or concede their parenting principles.
When parents are still together in one home, parents often use the "good cop, bad cop" approach when dealing with child discipline. But this gets really complicated when parents separate. No one wants to be the bad cop all the time. And now that the parents live separately, if a child doesn't enjoy their time at dad's house (or mom's), dad (or mom) starts to fear that their children won't come back - particularly in cases where they may only have a visitation schedule rather than a shared custody arrangement.
Unfortunately, while the co-parents are distracted by their competition with one another, they’ve lost the plot. They are supposed to be raising caring, responsible, functioning adults. But if they aren’t teaching them discipline, setting limits, or instilling a sense of responsibility in their kids, are they really parenting them or just being their friend?
If you do these things, don't be surprised later when your child thinks this is how they will be treated throughout life. Don't be disappointed when they don't know how to manage their finances because they succumb to every indulgence. Don't blame them when they drag their feet in getting a job after college. You've failed to teach them about life.
The truth is if you remain an active and positive force in your children’s lives, you will not lose them. In fact, over time they will come to realize that the discipline you impose, and the limits you set are because you love them. Your kids love you too and that love transcends the breakup between you and their other parent.
If your co-parent refuses to discipline, set limits, or give your child any responsibilities, I suggest you start with what I’ll call a discovery conversation. First you need to find out if your assessment is correct—is the other parent not disciplining, setting limits, or giving your child responsibilities. Second, you want to understand their reasoning. Don’t assume you know. While you might think it is because they are being irresponsible, you may find out there are extenuating circumstances provoking their behavior such as being afraid the child won’t want to be with them if they impose restrictions. Or maybe they are distracted by an unrelated situation and they didn’t realize they were letting things slide too much.
Armed with knowledge of what is really going on and the reasons behind it, you can then take the opportunity to share with them how you handle these things in your home now that the two of you are separate. Provoke further conversation by asking them what they think about your approach.
I do want to extend a few words of caution for your conversation with the ex. Unless your child is in grave danger because of your co-parent’s lax parenting style, you should NOT demand they adopt your rules in their home. Doing this will simply push them to rebel against your wishes. Not to mention, you would not appreciate them imposing their will on your domain if matters were reversed. And lastly, if you’re thinking of threatening to take away their parenting time as a means of motivation, again I’d advise against this unless your child is in immediate danger. This kind of talk will serve only to shut down rather than further the conversation and then all you’ll accomplish is to make matters worse for everyone.
Summing Up Three Obstacles to Collaborative Co-parenting
Now we've covered three of the many obstacles to collaborative co-parenting. If you start by mastering these, I'd say you're well on your way to better days as co-parents. If things get rocky now and then, accept it as part of life and know that your effort to be a good parenting partner help your child, you, your co-parent, and society at large. Raising a happy, caring, responsible human being who contributes to the world in a positive way is the most important job you will do on this earth. And while you're doing this most important work, you might as well be happy too. I'm proud of you for giving it your all!
SAVE THE DATE FOR THE 1ST INTERNATIONAL SHARED PARENTING DAY EVENT
April 26 is Shared Parenting Day, the anniversary date for the signing of the first explicit 50/50 Shared Parenting Bill in the U.S. passed in Kentucky. In commemoration of this important act, National Parents Organization is hosting a FREE event for co-parents—the 1st Annual International Shared Parenting Day Event to be held virtually on April 26, 2023, from 7:00 - 8:30 P.M. EDT.
This is an event dedicated to the needs of co-parents. Attendees will receive valuable information to help you improve your co-parenting scenario, navigate the family legal system, and learn about tools to help you be a better co-parent. Mark your calendars now and stay tuned for registration details for this FREE event.