4 Strategies to Combat Parental Alienation (Part 1 of 2)

By Teresa Harlow

As a co-parenting coach, I have some parents, particularly fathers, reach out to me for help because they feel they are being alienated from their children. There’s a lot of debate among family professionals over the term “parental alienation”. But as someone who has heard countless tales of moms (and some dads) who go to great lengths to build a wedge, if not a wall, between a child and their other parent, I can say for certain that whatever you want to call it, many divorced parents, mostly dads, are being deprived of having a relationship with their children because of the actions of the other parent.

Are you a victim of parental alienation? Feeling hopeless? I get it. The manipulation you’re enduring can be disheartening and leave you feeling like maintaining a positive relationship with your child is out of reach. Well, I’m here to give you hope. Now, I’m not going to give you a silver bullet that will work in every circumstance. But I do think if you try out these strategies, you just might make headway with your child’s other parent… even if it’s only a baby step.

I’m not going to lie. Some of these things will be hard for you to consider doing and may even seem out of the question for you. Unless there is a safety concern for you or your child that you need to consider, I encourage you to try these tips out even if you doubt they’ll work. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Nothing improves?

The four strategies are:

1. Talk to your Child’s Other Parent About it

2. Demonstrate the Behavior You Want From Your Ex-partner

3. Take Every Opportunity Available to be Present in Your Child’s Life

4. Get Professional Help

This month I’ll cover the first two and then next month, we’ll review the other two  strategies. Ready? Let’s go…

Talk to your Child’s Other Parent About it

I can feel the visceral reaction many of you are having as you read that headline. You’re thinking, “Are you kidding? We don’t talk about anything. All we do is fight.” Or maybe your ex-partner won’t even have a conversation with you. Or they are incapable of being reasonable when you do talk. So what’s the point? Game over, right? Not necessarily.

First, let me share that while you may be feeling it’s wasted energy, if you haven’t tried to have a conversation about this specifically in the past, how do you know for sure? How do you know that it will do no good? You think you know your ex, right? Well, newsflash… things didn’t work out for the two of you as intimate partners for some reason. So maybe you don’t know them as well as you think you do.

I am always surprised when I have parents tell me about their parental alienation problem but then admit that they haven’t even tried to have a conversation with the other parent about it.

Having or at least asking to have a conversation about it can tell you a lot, which will inform your future actions. First, if they are willing to have a conversation whether you expect it to go well or not, that is progress. Second, if you have the talk and things go badly, you have new information upon which to decide your next move. If things go better than expected, maybe you’ll see a reduction in alienating behaviors. But if you don’t even talk, you have no idea what to do next.

I’ve written about four basic steps you can take when communicating with your child’s other parent before. But they are worth restating here. Use these steps to prepare for and start this crucial conversation with your child’s other parent.

1. BEFORE having the conversation or even asking to have it, get focused on your purpose. Your purpose of communicating with your co-parent isn’t to argue with them, put them in their place, make them feel bad, or continue the conflict. So make sure you are not focused on these things. Instead, focus on why your relationship with your child’s other parent is important for you to maintain. What is at stake if your conversation goes poorly? Why is it important to improve your situation? What would that mean to you? What are the consequences if your present circumstances don’t improve?

2. Begin the conversation with your child’s other parent with a statement of appreciation, acknowledgement, or empathy. This will disarm a lot of hostility right out of the gate—but only if it’s sincere. If it helps, let’s remember that at one point, there was something you liked about this person or you would have never been with them. Maybe the only positive thing you can think of is that they gave birth to your wonderful son or daughter. Use that positive thought about them to give you the inspiration to say something nice to start your conversation. You could even start by simply telling them how much you appreciate them agreeing to talk. The particulars of what you say aren’t as important as the act of opening the conversation on a positive note to get the ball rolling.

3. State your desired outcome. Up to this point, you have made sure to prepare yourself for the conversation by getting focused on what is important. And you have prepared your co-parent to be receptive to you by opening the conversation by acknowledging, appreciating, or empathizing with them. Now you are ready to state your desired outcome directly, but without trying to convince them or defend your position. Simply get on the table what it is you want to have happen, stop happening, or change. Leave out accusations and instead stick to the facts and how those things affected you and your child.

4. Bring your ex into the conversation at this point by asking for their help in solving the problem. This is where you either seal the deal or find out if they have objections. When you ask for your co-parent’s help in solving the problem, it lets them know you want to be collaborative and that you value their input. It also gives you the opportunity to learn about their objections which can carry the conversation forward and help you both work to overcome obstacles. It could get them to open up about what’s at the root of their behavior.

Demonstrate the Behavior You Want From Your Ex-partner

Whether or not your ex-partner is a nice person, you’ll want to dig down deep and rise to the occasion on this one. That’s right. Even if they are vile toward you, I’m asking you to be nice to them. Be respectful, be polite, be courteous, and above all, treat them the way you would want to be treated.

Only say things to them you would be okay with hearing them say to you. Only take actions that affect them which you would view positively if they took them with you. This doesn’t mean never disagreeing or always telling them what they want to hear. But it does mean that if you have something to say to them that you expect they won’t like, find a less-hostile way of conveying that thought.

For example, let’s say your child’s other parent is violating your parenting plan by not letting your child spend time with you every other weekend. Demonstrate the behaviors you want from your partner by:

• Keeping your commitments – Show up on time; Pay agreed financial obligations on time regardless of what your ex-partner does; Follow communication protocols you’ve agreed to such as communicating through a co-parenting app or calling your child between certain hours and on a certain phone line.

• Being courteous and polite – Don’t resort to yelling, snarky comments, or refusing to speak to your co-parent as a means of getting back at them. The best way to do this really is to treat your interactions with them as more of a business transaction than a personal one. Or just forget about them and focus on only saying things you would want to hear.

• Seek to understand their intention - Rather than assuming they have ill intentions, seek to understand why they are not complying with the parenting schedule. Are they able to comply? What prevents them from doing so? Can you help them overcome whatever obstacles stand in their way of complying? Getting this type of feedback from them is the key to moving things forward.

Next month we’ll cover the last two strategies and how you put it all into action. Until then, I hope you’ll check out the details of National Parents Organizations First Annual International Shared Parenting Day Event because YOU ARE INVITED!

First Annual International Shared Parenting Day Event is April 26!

April 26 is Shared Parenting Day, the anniversary date of the signing of the first explicit 50/50 Shared Parenting Bill in the U.S. passed in Kentucky. In commemoration of this important act, National Parents Organization is hosting a FREE event for co-parents—the 1st Annual International Shared Parenting Day Event will be held virtually on April 26, 2023, from 7:00 - 8:30 P.M. EDT. Read more about it here.

Teresa Harlow