adapted from the book Combative to Collaborative: The Co-Parenting Code written by Teresa Harlow

Some people like their in-laws. Some hate them. And some simply tolerate them. When you split up, you have to face at what level the relationship with your child’s other family will survive.

If you aren’t very close or weren’t together long, it will be easy for you to disconnect from your former spouse’s extended family and vice versa. If you didn’t like each other, you may use the split as an excuse to eject them or they you from each other’s lives. If you liked your in-laws, you will be grief-stricken and may wonder if these dear family members are lost from you forever.

Teresa Harlow, October 2022

When parents divorce, the final decree declares the death of the romantic relationship. But their relationship as parents lives on-whether it be acrimonious or amicable. Typically, divorcing parents follow the parenting plan they submitted with their divorce paperwork.

Of course, this doesn’t mean everyone will abide by it. What should you do if your co-parent is not holding up their end of the bargain? You may be thinking that means going back to court. Not so fast. You have many options. Let’s explore them.

Of all the co-parenting topics I cover, this one is central to why parents need to get this right. Otherwise, you take the risk of your child becoming a casualty of their parents’ choices. Discipline includes setting limits, teaching responsibility, rewarding good behavior, and penalizing bad choices.

One of the saddest things I’ve witnessed in observing other co-parents is the inability or unwillingness to discipline their children and teach them how to make good life choices. There are the mothers who buy their kids everything so that the children don’t consider whether they may have more material rewards if they lived with Dad. And dads who refuse to discipline, afraid their children will never spend time with them.

By Teresa Harlow

At the beginning of this series, you were offered insights on what to include in your co-parenting plan. So far, we’ve went deep on adopting an empathetic mindset, living arrangements, parenting time, finances, and communication. This month, we’re tackling co-parenting decision authority, also referred to by legal professionals as legal custody of the child. This is different from physical custody which refers to the time a parent spends with the child in their care. Legal custody concerns major decisions that must be made for your child.

Co-parenting Facebook groups are flush with posts from parents complaining about every aspect of communication between children and their other parent. There are parents who complain about a co-parent that calls too much. On the other side are the parents upset that they are never allowed to talk to their child when they are not with them. Finally, we have the mom who can’t understand why it’s a problem for her to call her daughter twenty times a day when she’s with her dad.

Paying to Raise Kids as Co-parents

If you think that ending your romantic relationship with your child’s other parent will end your conflicts over money matters, think again. Even parents who have and abide by child support agreements encounter conflicts that stem beyond them.

Did you recently become separated from your children’s other parent? If so, you’ve probably begun, are in the process of, or are done creating your parenting plan as part of your divorce or dissolution process. The Living Arrangements section of the parenting plan that you create is the section in which you will define where everyone lives. You may be assuming the only option you two have is to establish two separate homes and split the children’s time between them. While this is still the most common choice, today’s parents are devising many other creative options—some of which I wish I had thought of some twenty-plus years ago.

When parents divorce, they may end up splitting parenting time equally or arrive at some other arrangement. Some even lose all visitation. Coping with this loss of parenting time can weigh heavily on parents. But all is not lost and rest assured, there are many ways to maintain a connection with your child throughout their life.

Check out the ten options below which divorced parents can leverage to regain time with their kids. Determine which ones will work for your situation and implement them to help you reduce separation anxiety and strengthen your bond with your child. Where there is a will, there is a way.

While most domestic courts offer guidelines and may even suggest predefined schedules for divorcing parents to divide time with their children, in many cases, you have a far broader array of options to pick from. In fact, you may be able to design your own schedule, which is more creative, flexible, and well suited for your family’s specific circumstances.

Of course, it is important for you and your co-parent to consult local laws and seek professional assistance to ensure that whatever schedule you devise is properly documented and will be accepted by the courts. Additionally, family professionals such as lawyers and mediators can help to facilitate the process between you and your co-parent. As a family and divorce mediator trained by the Ohio Supreme Court, I work with parents to help them create equitable parenting plans that the courts will accept. Leveraging a mediator can help divorcing parents maintain control of their outcome while avoiding the high cost of litigation.

What do we do when we have something important coming up? In most cases, given the chance, we prepare for it – mentally, physically, and emotionally. Why do we prepare? Because it gives us the greatest chance of success. I’ve always admired the improv – the person who can respond with ease in a moment. The person who always seems to have the right comeback and can articulate their thoughts as they desire without any preparation at all. But for many, this simply isn’t how we operate. How often do you have a conversation with someone and then afterward say to yourself, “Dang, I should have said (insert your perfect response here). Why didn’t I think of that then?” Yes, why didn’t you think of that then? Because not all of us are great at improv. I know I personally am not. Yet, when I prepare in advance, I am confident I can navigate most interactions with grace.